state of the heart...

"Guard your heart above all else,
      for it determines the course of your life." Proverbs 4:23

I drew a picture of my heart 4 years ago, before I knew Him. This picture is exactly like the one in my journal...

In it so many confusing feelings: loss, frustration, dark memories, hope not found, overwhelming jealousy, ANGER, insecurity, wanting someone to hold it-me, needing protection.

Deep wounds, stab marks, gaping holes upon gaping holes...

The sad part was that out of this kind of heart...I was doing my own fair share of stabbing and wounding. The choices I made from this place left me more confused and with more pain that I didn't know what to do with. I tried to put up a facade for awhile, but there came a point when the pain couldn't help but seep through. And as the dam broke and crumbled- the mess I was on the inside flowed freely from my lips, sat wobbling in my hands, and turned into who I was.

This mess-this person that I was is who Jason met, once we reconnected again.

When I answered the door for our first date I had the facade up barely, but he soon saw the broken heart
-girl- that I was.

Jason wrote me this letter after we'd been together for awhile, and I think it speaks so clearly of what God did once He got a hold of me and my crappy heart...

Letter from Jason to Kimi:

Hi Gorgeous,

So since I was blessed with the chance to reconnect with you on September 10, 2005, I have seen unbelievable things happen right before my eyes:

I have seen the grace of Jesus Christ transform your heart, soul and mind...in a way that showed me how powerful God is. He changed a girl from living for the temporary self gratification of this world into a maturing woman of God that is now trying to live for our Savior's eternal purposes and kingdom.

I have seen a girl that was so deeply wounded, that she was bleeding hurt, pain and sadness that would affect her emotions and actions...into a follower of Christ where her wounds are healing each day, growing smaller and smaller, until ultimately they will be completely healed with only a small scar showing for the sake of her amazing tesstimony that will glorify God in every way.

I have seen God transform your old perspective into wisdom...and I could continue to go on forever about all the amazing things that I have seen God do in your heart, soul and mind.

He has come in and flipped our worlds upside down...in ways that are so amazing, almost like a dream I never thought could happen. That is how loving and amazing our God is!!

I love you so much Kimi!!! I can't wait for tonight to hang out with our family:)
Love,
Jason