weight of temptation

Restless.
Ungrateful.
Wanting.
Alone.

And then it started. The slippery slope of thoughts that lead to sin. "Well it's not as bad as what other people do." I won't do it again." "No one will have to know." "I totally need this right now." "Nothing else sounds good enough." "Just once." "It'll be fine."

I sat there at my computer. It wasn't even late, but it was quiet in the house. And my selfish thoughts were so convicting it was as though there was another person in the room convincing me I deserved a "good time." The thoughts came so quickly and fast I could feel the pressure of them. I was being tempted and under their weight I had two options: To do what I wanted which was to say, "Yes," or to beg God to help me say, "No."

I stared at the computer screen, my thoughts racing...

and I bowed my head, "God, help me right now. You're going to have to help me. I need your power right now to say no to everything I want in this moment."

I looked up at the computer screen again and I could feel myself justify my desires and overpower any ounce of desire to be the woman God has called me to be.

I bowed my head again, "Lord, please fill me with your Holy Spirit right now, that I would walk in goodness and in light. Not in darkness. God help me be the woman you've called me to be." 

In that moment two random thoughts filled my head, "Go watch So You Think you can Dance to get away from the computer," and "Tell someone."

The weight of my desires lifted long enough to get out of my computer chair and walk out of the room. I went out into my living room. Thought about waking up Jason to tell him, but decided against it and thought my best friend would be a better place to start. I texted her exactly what I had been tempted to do and turned on So You Think You Can Dance.

A minute later my phone rang. My best friend was on the other end. Without a question or a need for me to explain, she started reminding me of all the ways God has filled my life with blessings and satisfaction. That the enemy would love more than anything for me to chose sin selfishly without regard for the ripple effect it would have on me, my husband, my future children and what God has called me to do. 

She said while I was sitting at the computer heavy in my selfish desires it was as though Satan were standing behind me telling me how great it would all be, how fun, how much I deserved it. And Jesus was standing there too. Waiting for me to chose Him, waiting for me to die to myself and say no to Satan. Without words standing there with love and grace in His eyes for me... as He let me decide.

As she said these things my heart broke and tears streamed down my face.

I couldn't imagine pushing Jesus aside to say yes Satan, yes to the enemy.

As my best friend continued to speak truth into me I realized the power that's in reaching out and getting encouragement from others in the midst of my temptations and struggles. I can't fight alone. I can't.

"See to it brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:12-13