At Rock Harbor this weekend we learned about what forgiveness is and what it isn't. I wanna share the lists:

 Forgiveness does not mean:
         -you approve of what they did
         -you excuse what they did
         -you justify what they did
         -you deny what they did
         -you pretend you are not hurt
         -pardon what they did-sometimes there are consequences
         -you have to reconcile with that person
         -you forget what they did

Forgiveness is:
        -Based entirely on how God treated us
        -Being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them
        -refusing to punish the person


It's crazy how complicated relationships can be. I have a really complicated relationship, well non-relationship, with my dad. And although I've forgiven him for what he did do, the hard part is continuing to pray and maneuver through what is still happening now...

...like when I sit at a wedding and I see a father dancing with his daughter-she's so beautiful in her dress and he's smiling at her with tears welling up in his eyes, love overflowing for her -and I watch them as they whisper to each to other, laugh, and turn alone- together on the dance floor... and somewhere deep in my heart I forgive my dad for not choosing that....and then again even deeper still for not being capable of loving me the way I imagine a daughter should be loved....

Again...
and again
and again...
I forgive you daddy...

I have choices

Okay, so you know that classmate who was cusing- anyways him and I just had a great 10 min. discussion about beliefs. He believes that religion is just a means for powerful people to control people. I want to write about this because I have definitely heard this before and this is a real opinion for people.

Hmm...

How is believing in and following Christ controlling me?

   -Well that is hard to say, because it started out being a choice for me. I grew up agnostic and then made the choice to believe. No one made me. I am happy I was never forced or controlled into believing.

  -My classmate mentioned the ten commandments as laws that are used to control people. But my first thought is those are awesome laws to follow; I don't know any bad that comes from me not murdering. And I don't feel controlled, because I can choose to follow them or not. I am not forced to abided by them if I don't want to.

-I want to bring up the money thing as well, because I've heard the idea thrown around that religion is just a means to control people and get them to give you their money. I haven't been to a church that forces you to give. And if I did it would make me feel awkward, because from what the Word says is that God loves a cheerful giver. Which to me suggests that it's the givers choice whether to give or not. God desires me to give, because of how it affects my character for the better. I don't have to give my money if I don't want to. I can keep it all for myself or give it all away, my choice.

Alright well that's all I can think of for now...ya, I like choices, not control! I was given the choice to believe and follow or not. And right now if I wanted to I could walk away from Him, from my church community, from heaven, from any of it- but I am choosing not to.

To love a classmate

I just finished reading my friends' blog. In her "about me" section she mentions that her family is in the process of adopting a child and that they desire to bring glory to God  in their everyday lives. This friend and her family inspire me. They already have four children of their own and they have the grace to adopt one too! I love it! And it also got me thinking...

How can I bring glory to God in my everyday life?

I am sitting here in class at Cal State Fullerton listening to my instructor, while playing on the internet reading other people's blogs, and I am just as bored, quite, and tired as the rest of my classmates. Really the only tangible difference in this moment between me and the guy sitting next to me is a few unspoken cuss words (before class started he kept saying f*@# as he was describing this artist he loves).

How am I a "city on hill" sitting in class with my sweater zipped up and mouth pursed?
How am I "salt and light" to my classmates with my arms crossed and sighs escaping from me like the rest of them?

It's in these small moments that I really don't feel anymore saved then them. I am a new creation, but really? Where is the Spirit of God living in me in those moments? When I get up from my seat and rush out like I could care less to know any of them, am I totally leaving Him no room to work through me?

Jesus says that they will know us by how we love.









How do I love my classmates?

Lord, I feel like You've been teaching me how to love people in other areas in my life, will you teach me at school...

I guess I am immature

Sometimes I think I am mature
Then days like today happen.

So I have food allergies (wheat, soy, peanuts, and walnuts). This morning I go into work and was eating one of my "okay" snacks and a coworker felt pressed to tell me that I eat like her son, whom she proceeds to tell me is 14months old.
Hmm, not really sure how I was supposed to take that.

I try to pray it off and be the bigger person by ignoring it

That doesn't really work and so begins my unraveling for the day...

When another coworker comes up to me and tells me this amazing God story of how after he prayed on Sunday about money worries that on Tuesday a random person handed him a $1000 check because God told'em he needed it. What! Wow right?!

So sure I was smiling and happy for him, but on top of that happiness was a lot, a lot of jealousy.
I felt like a kid and my dad was playing favorites, even though God clearly does not play favorites

I just felt that way.

Which is immature

Then later another coworker comes up to me as I was ordering my lunch for the day and she looks at my long list of "no this" and "no that" and starts laughing and teasing me. I guess I had had enough because I literally in a slightly frazzled, slightly pissed tone said, "Stop making fun of me."

Whoa wait! Who freakin' says "Stop making fun of me!" Unless you are in 5th grade...again immature.

(sigh) God I am soooooo immature and today proved it...please help me be the woman you want me to be. Please help me be more mature and not be so dramatic, jeez.

A woman's wisdom gives her patience, she earns respect by overlooking wrongs. Proverbs 19:11

Wow God do Your thing

"But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on His own; He will speak only what He hears, and He will tell you what is yet to come." John 6:13

So a really amazing part about being in relationship with God is that sometimes He decides to show you stuff before it happens.

So this story will start on New Years Eve 2008:

Jason and I decided to stay in and pray that night. And as I was praying by myself I saw a vision of me standing in front of a bunch of college aged kids sharing my life story. And as I saw this picture God told me to not be nervous because all the opportunities to share my story would come from Him and not from my own manipulation.

So I wrote down in my journal what I saw and heard and put a question mark by it.

Okay...wow I thought: one) I hope this really happens because I don't want to feel like I'm hearing things like a crazy person two) I wonder who will ask me to share and three) phew I'm so glad I don't have to make this happen

So two weeks later I'm checking my voice mail and have a message from Bree (who was heading up the college ministry at Rock Harbor Church). She said they were doing a Sex Forum for college students at church and she felt lead to ask me to share my story.

Of course I say yes. And even though God told me not to be nervous I still was and I had to pray tons to get over the fear of speaking. But within the month I was at the Sex Forum, in front of 500 students, sharing what God has done in my life over the last three years.

And fifteen people decided to give their lives to Him that night.

Then in the days following that night God showed me another vision. I was sharing my story again, but this time specifically at a college campus.

I was excited cause I new what the first vision felt like and God made it happen. So now I was really hopeful and started waiting to be asked to speak at a college campus.

A few months passed I started gettin antsy without knowing what college campus I'd speak at or how it would come about. So I prayed and asked God for the right opportunity to share my story at a college, that His will would be done and that He would continue to prepare me to speak.

Flash forward to last night...

After church service at Rock Harbor I was talking with a good friend, and another girl about 21 years old approached me and introduced herself. She asked if I was the girl who had shared my testimony recently at Rock Harbor.

I was like,"Yeah."

And she proceeded to say, "So I do work with Campus Crusades for Christ at the University of Irvine. And I am putting together an outreach for women on campus, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to share your story."

Dude, I probably had the goofiest smile on my face, and all I could say was:

"Yes, I've been waiting for you. I would love to!"

She was floored and we were both jumping up and down thanking God.

Next week I'm meeting with her for coffee to talk about her heart for the women at UCI and what she has planned for the campus outreach.

Man.. I don't know how else to wrap up this blog, except to say:

I love how He works and I am so in.

Oh the joys of how God made us

I am a very sensitive person. I am starting to realize that God made me that way for a very particular purpose. So being sensitive is cool for me when I'm talking with someone and I can relate to how they feel, or when I can understand what someone is going through and have compassion. BUT and let me repeat this BUT, being sensitive is not cool when:

-I am tired, hungry or stressed

-PMSing. Let me paint a picture...I am pmsing and last night after being at school from 6:30am-3pm then the Dr., then two grocery stores, then home to cook, shower, clean and go to a meeting at 8pm. I was exhausted and on the drive home from the meeting Jason happened to mention that there was laundry that we needed to do and I start crying. Crying about laundry! When I'm pmsing my sensitivity level goes through the roof-I can't handle what I normally can.

-a dog barks, or someone laughs, sniffles, or talks loud. Because I've realized being emotionally sensitive can also mean your just sensitive period.

-someone doesn't like me (this contributes to my people pleasing personality)

-sad commercials come on tv and I cry (this one makes me feel like a sap)

-I start to realize that I cry over everything and wonder if my tears even mean anything anymore

Well Lord at least I know that:

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it." Psalm 139:13-14

And I will continue to be grateful for my sensitivity. :)

Minding my own business

I feel so relaxed walking to the nail salon, with my treat, a venti vanilla iced latte from Starbucks. It's warm outside and I love being by myself, quiet.

Then I pass a Lampost pizza restaurant and glance through the window. It's empty; except for the chef, cashier and a mom with twin girls about seven years old. I have no thoughts about them and keep walking.

Then inside me I hear a kind voice that is not mine.

He simply says, "Go back and buy them lunch"

I've experienced this quite a few times, so I was convicted it was the Lord. Quickly I turned around and started walking back towards the restaurant, although not without a little talking back, well debating... I'm like, "But Lord, what if she's rich and doesn't need me to buy her lunch?" or
"What if I just didn't see her husband and she's totally taken care of, that would be awkward." But still the conviction inside me would not leave and I took a deep breath and walked into the pizza parlor.

Oh gosh, it was really quiet in the parlor, and I started getting nervous/excited. I went to the cashier and said, "Um, I want to buy that lady and her kids over there in that booth lunch."

"Well, she already paid, but I can delete the payment and you can pay with your debt card."

"Sure, " I said

"It'll be $32.89," he said. I was surprised at how nonchalant this whole exchange was with him. Like random people always come in and pay for other peoples meals...maybe they do?

Now, the super awkward part. I walk up to her table with my receipt in hand and say, "Um, so this is going to sound really weird, but I felt like God wanted me to buy you guys lunch. So I paid for your tab."

I stop talking, waiting for her to say something, anything...and she said-

"Wow, thank you. My daughters and I are here having lunch after vacation bible school. We came here because we are checking out this community to see if we'd like to move here. I actually prayed this morning that if God wanted us to move here that He would give us a sign. "

We talked more and I find out she is divorced and her and her twins are living with her brother 40 minutes north.

Now, I'm not sure if she'll ever actually end up moving to my community one day, but I am thankful to know how big God is to answer prayers for other people-even when I'm just minding my own business.