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Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Where are you God?
Tonight I was sitting on my sofa nursing Luke, my 2 1/2 week old baby boy, eating veggie soap my grandma made, sipping a gluten free beer (I know classy) and scanning through my Bible reading random verses. I came upon this one, "Anyone who wants to be my disciple must follow Me, because my servants must be where I am. And the Father will honor anyone who serves Me." John 12:26 and it prompted me to close my eyes and pray, " Lord, where are You? I want to follow you and be where You are. Will You show Jason and I in the midst of being consumed with baby and lack of sleep where You are-so that we can be there with You?"
I opened my eyes nonchalantly and got excited inside believing God would answer my prayer.
I finished nursing and started the usual burping routine. Luke spat up a bit and I cleaned his face off with the burp rag and stared into his cuteness. Precious, I thought and I thanked God for giving me this beautiful boy. I continued smiling down at my son's face and as my heart filled with gratefulness for my baby the Holy Spirit inside me spoke to me and said, "There I am."
Tears welled up in my eyes and the tinge of loneliness I felt before escaped my heart and I thanked God for being so close to this new mommy in the midst her baby-ness.
I opened my eyes nonchalantly and got excited inside believing God would answer my prayer.
I finished nursing and started the usual burping routine. Luke spat up a bit and I cleaned his face off with the burp rag and stared into his cuteness. Precious, I thought and I thanked God for giving me this beautiful boy. I continued smiling down at my son's face and as my heart filled with gratefulness for my baby the Holy Spirit inside me spoke to me and said, "There I am."
Tears welled up in my eyes and the tinge of loneliness I felt before escaped my heart and I thanked God for being so close to this new mommy in the midst her baby-ness.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
it's not about the money
For the past three days I've asked God each morning, "Lord, who can I bless today? Who can I sacrifice for?"
The first morning after asking God that I was reminded of how I wanted to drop off flowers at my friends' office, letting her know I am thankful for her friendship.
The second day God put a friend on my heart who is moving to Peru with her husband and four kids to work for Krochet Kids a nonprofit that teaches impoverished women how to make hats to sell in the US. In order for my friend and her family to go they need to raise money to support themselves while down there. God put a certain amount of money on my heart for Jason and I to give to them. Now the amount is nothing big compared to what my friend is going to need to be able to move to Peru, but what is exciting is that God will put my friends' family on other peoples hearts and people will donate what they can and it will be neat to see God's faithfulness as her family prepares to move.
So now this morning I was laying in bed half asleep and asked God, "Who should I bless today?" And right away I heard in my head, "Kristin."
So I asked how.
And I heard, "Give her $100."
Now Kristin, who is my sister, just won $50,000 on a TV game show along with my other sister (granted they are still waiting to receive their winnings, but still $100 is chump change compared to that).
So I went back and forth with God for a couple of minutes and then fell back asleep.
When I woke up again and went to go pray I still felt it impressed upon my heart to give my sister this $100. But I was like, "Lord, she just won $50,000, she does not need my $100. I don't want to seem like a crazy lady just passing out money to everybody. So if you really want me to give her $100, when I call her this morning would you confirm it by what she tells me over the phone?" I got the impression from Him that it wasn't the money that mattered and that I should just give it to her. I still wanted confirmation that I was supposed to give her the money. So I called my sister hoping she'd answer the phone in tears desperate for $100.
When I got a hold of her we chatted for a second about how much we miss each other and then out of no where she said, "I had a dream about you last night and you gave me a big gift."
WHAT!! Immediately I started laughing out loud, cause without even having to ask Kristin if she needed the $100, I felt like God was confirming that I was supposed to give her this gift.
Now Kristin and I realize we can't claim to know God's thought process in all this, but we had a great talk wondering why He did this. Maybe He longs to continue to speak to my sister in her dreams, maybe He wants her to do something specific with the $100, or maybe He wanted to show my sister He thinks about her and longs to bless her...
The first morning after asking God that I was reminded of how I wanted to drop off flowers at my friends' office, letting her know I am thankful for her friendship.
The second day God put a friend on my heart who is moving to Peru with her husband and four kids to work for Krochet Kids a nonprofit that teaches impoverished women how to make hats to sell in the US. In order for my friend and her family to go they need to raise money to support themselves while down there. God put a certain amount of money on my heart for Jason and I to give to them. Now the amount is nothing big compared to what my friend is going to need to be able to move to Peru, but what is exciting is that God will put my friends' family on other peoples hearts and people will donate what they can and it will be neat to see God's faithfulness as her family prepares to move.
So now this morning I was laying in bed half asleep and asked God, "Who should I bless today?" And right away I heard in my head, "Kristin."
So I asked how.
And I heard, "Give her $100."
Now Kristin, who is my sister, just won $50,000 on a TV game show along with my other sister (granted they are still waiting to receive their winnings, but still $100 is chump change compared to that).
So I went back and forth with God for a couple of minutes and then fell back asleep.
When I woke up again and went to go pray I still felt it impressed upon my heart to give my sister this $100. But I was like, "Lord, she just won $50,000, she does not need my $100. I don't want to seem like a crazy lady just passing out money to everybody. So if you really want me to give her $100, when I call her this morning would you confirm it by what she tells me over the phone?" I got the impression from Him that it wasn't the money that mattered and that I should just give it to her. I still wanted confirmation that I was supposed to give her the money. So I called my sister hoping she'd answer the phone in tears desperate for $100.
When I got a hold of her we chatted for a second about how much we miss each other and then out of no where she said, "I had a dream about you last night and you gave me a big gift."
WHAT!! Immediately I started laughing out loud, cause without even having to ask Kristin if she needed the $100, I felt like God was confirming that I was supposed to give her this gift.
Now Kristin and I realize we can't claim to know God's thought process in all this, but we had a great talk wondering why He did this. Maybe He longs to continue to speak to my sister in her dreams, maybe He wants her to do something specific with the $100, or maybe He wanted to show my sister He thinks about her and longs to bless her...
Friday, September 10, 2010
Where was He on September 11th?
You say you will never forget where you were when
you heard the news On September 11, 2001.
Neither will I.
I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room
with a man who called his wife to say 'Good-Bye.' I
held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the
peace to say, 'Honey, I am not going to make it, but it
is OK..I am ready to go.'
I was with his wife when he called as she fed
breakfast to their children. I held her up as she
tried to understand his words and as she realized
he wasn't coming home that night.
I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a
woman cried out to Me for help. 'I have been
knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!' I said.
'Of course I will show you the way home - only
believe in Me now.'
I was at the base of the building with the Priest
ministering to the injured and devastated souls.
I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He
heard my voice and answered.
I was on all four of those planes, in every seat,
with every prayer. I was with the crew as they
were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the
believers there, comforting and assuring them that their
faith has saved them.
I was in Texas , Virginia , California , Michigan , Afghanistan .
I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news.
Did you sense Me?
I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew
every name - though not all knew Me. Some met Me
for the first time on the 86th floor.
Some sought Me with their last breath.
Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the
smoke and flames; 'Come to Me... this way... take
my hand.' Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me.
But, I was there.
I did not place you in the Tower that day. You
may not know why, but I do. However, if you were
there in that explosive moment in time, would you have
reached for Me?
Sept. 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey
for you. But someday your journey will end. And I
will be there for you as well. Seek Me now while I may
be found. Then, at any moment, you know you are
'ready to go.'
I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.
God
(written by anonymous author)
you heard the news On September 11, 2001.
Neither will I.
I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room
with a man who called his wife to say 'Good-Bye.' I
held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the
peace to say, 'Honey, I am not going to make it, but it
is OK..I am ready to go.'
I was with his wife when he called as she fed
breakfast to their children. I held her up as she
tried to understand his words and as she realized
he wasn't coming home that night.
I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a
woman cried out to Me for help. 'I have been
knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!' I said.
'Of course I will show you the way home - only
believe in Me now.'
I was at the base of the building with the Priest
ministering to the injured and devastated souls.
I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He
heard my voice and answered.
I was on all four of those planes, in every seat,
with every prayer. I was with the crew as they
were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the
believers there, comforting and assuring them that their
faith has saved them.
I was in Texas , Virginia , California , Michigan , Afghanistan .
I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news.
Did you sense Me?
I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew
every name - though not all knew Me. Some met Me
for the first time on the 86th floor.
Some sought Me with their last breath.
Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the
smoke and flames; 'Come to Me... this way... take
my hand.' Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me.
But, I was there.
I did not place you in the Tower that day. You
may not know why, but I do. However, if you were
there in that explosive moment in time, would you have
reached for Me?
Sept. 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey
for you. But someday your journey will end. And I
will be there for you as well. Seek Me now while I may
be found. Then, at any moment, you know you are
'ready to go.'
I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.
God
(written by anonymous author)
Friday, September 3, 2010
pretty strangers
In my church community I'm part of the leadership team and just recently I've been given the opportunity to walk in the role of community pastor. I think my sister said it perfectly when she said, "Wow, Kimi five years ago you were agnostic and now you're a pastor!" It's crazy to me too and awesome that God can change someone so drastically. He has a plan and purpose for our lives that sometimes we'd never dream of. I know I NEVER grew up wanting to be a pastor. funny.
Anyways, five weeks ago I was praying for our church community and asked God what He would want as far as a prayer gathering for His people at Rock Harbor south county. I heard, "Pray every other night for the next five weeks."
"WHAT! Where would we do that Lord?"
"Here."
I was praying on my couch so I figured He meant at me and Jason's house.
I sat and thought about it and realized that five weeks made total sense it was exactly how much time I had left on bed-rest for my pregnancy. So I would be home every other night for the next five weeks and I figured what else would I be doing. Praying is never a bad way to spend my time. Even though I was thinking praying in groups can get really boring I still thought how much I long for moments when God reveals Himself and that these prayer gatherings could be time to allow Him to guide our prayers- to see what He might say or show us.
So five weeks ago we announced it to our church community and Jason and I started opening up our home every other night for people to come over and sit and wait in God's presence-asking Him to guide our prayers. For five weeks God has been faithful and we've had a group of people show up every other night. People we know and people we don't. There have been nights when I'm amped people are coming over to pray and other nights when I'm like, "Do we have too? I feel so tired and out of it."
Last night was one of those nights. I was feeling pretty angry about something that had happened earlier and I had a real attitude going on in my heart.
So when one of our regular prayer night attendees brought two friends with her- two friends who were pretty, full of life, and you could just tell loooved Jesus. What did I do?
Yep-got jealous.
So great...angry and jealous-awesome way to start off a prayer gathering at my house-good one Kim.
As soon as we started praying and waiting in the Lord's presence. I got soooo uncomfortable. All that anger and jealousy in my heart was making it very awkward for me. Then one of the pretty, full of life girls said she saw a picture of a tree with deep roots, but she saw some of the roots were disconnected. And then she prayed, "Lord if there is any root of bitterness or lack of forgiveness in those of us sitting here would You heal that?"
And in my head I was like, "Ooh, she is talking to me. I'm super bitter right now about what happened today and I have obviously not forgiven that person who hurt me." I knew I had to confess and say that I forgive that person. So I did-without saying names.
Man, it felt SO good to say it out loud. Immediately tears started streaming down my face and I felt my heart soften and melt. What was moments before a rock in my chest was now a heart more open and ready to think about better things, than the pity party I was throwing before. God was healing my heart.
Little did I know that God had more healing in mind. Later on as we were praying Jason asked God if there was anything else He wanted us to prayer about.
And then my heart started racing as I thought about how jealous I was of those pretty strangers sitting next to me and God impressed it so strongly on my heart that I knew I couldn't end the night without also confessing that I was so jealous of them.
I took a deep breath, and said, "Guh... this is embarrassing Lord, but I feel compelled to confess. I'm really jealous of, blah blah and blah blah. They came in here and seemed so capable of praying and I saw their love forYou and I confess God I was jealous of it. Your word says that we have not because we do not ask God. So Lord I ask You, I want an intimate and deep relationship with You and I want You to teach me how to pray, like You've taught these two girls..... Huuuhhhh, thank you God for healing me as I confess."
It was silent.
And yet I felt SO much freedom and peace in my soul. There was all of sudden a sense of authenticity in the room and no tension between us anymore.
And then one of the pretty strangers started praying with such a passion and love for me only God could give her and then the other one did too! I was blown away that in the midst of my fleshy and worldly attitudes God used these two strangers to bless me and fill me with soooo much encouragement, as they prayed for the purposes God has for me, for Jason and I, and for our future son.
Gosh I needed- my heart needed- last night so badly...thank you God....
Anyways, five weeks ago I was praying for our church community and asked God what He would want as far as a prayer gathering for His people at Rock Harbor south county. I heard, "Pray every other night for the next five weeks."
"WHAT! Where would we do that Lord?"
"Here."
I was praying on my couch so I figured He meant at me and Jason's house.
I sat and thought about it and realized that five weeks made total sense it was exactly how much time I had left on bed-rest for my pregnancy. So I would be home every other night for the next five weeks and I figured what else would I be doing. Praying is never a bad way to spend my time. Even though I was thinking praying in groups can get really boring I still thought how much I long for moments when God reveals Himself and that these prayer gatherings could be time to allow Him to guide our prayers- to see what He might say or show us.
So five weeks ago we announced it to our church community and Jason and I started opening up our home every other night for people to come over and sit and wait in God's presence-asking Him to guide our prayers. For five weeks God has been faithful and we've had a group of people show up every other night. People we know and people we don't. There have been nights when I'm amped people are coming over to pray and other nights when I'm like, "Do we have too? I feel so tired and out of it."
Last night was one of those nights. I was feeling pretty angry about something that had happened earlier and I had a real attitude going on in my heart.
So when one of our regular prayer night attendees brought two friends with her- two friends who were pretty, full of life, and you could just tell loooved Jesus. What did I do?
Yep-got jealous.
So great...angry and jealous-awesome way to start off a prayer gathering at my house-good one Kim.
As soon as we started praying and waiting in the Lord's presence. I got soooo uncomfortable. All that anger and jealousy in my heart was making it very awkward for me. Then one of the pretty, full of life girls said she saw a picture of a tree with deep roots, but she saw some of the roots were disconnected. And then she prayed, "Lord if there is any root of bitterness or lack of forgiveness in those of us sitting here would You heal that?"
And in my head I was like, "Ooh, she is talking to me. I'm super bitter right now about what happened today and I have obviously not forgiven that person who hurt me." I knew I had to confess and say that I forgive that person. So I did-without saying names.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."
James 5:16
Little did I know that God had more healing in mind. Later on as we were praying Jason asked God if there was anything else He wanted us to prayer about.
And then my heart started racing as I thought about how jealous I was of those pretty strangers sitting next to me and God impressed it so strongly on my heart that I knew I couldn't end the night without also confessing that I was so jealous of them.
I took a deep breath, and said, "Guh... this is embarrassing Lord, but I feel compelled to confess. I'm really jealous of, blah blah and blah blah. They came in here and seemed so capable of praying and I saw their love forYou and I confess God I was jealous of it. Your word says that we have not because we do not ask God. So Lord I ask You, I want an intimate and deep relationship with You and I want You to teach me how to pray, like You've taught these two girls..... Huuuhhhh, thank you God for healing me as I confess."
It was silent.
And yet I felt SO much freedom and peace in my soul. There was all of sudden a sense of authenticity in the room and no tension between us anymore.
And then one of the pretty strangers started praying with such a passion and love for me only God could give her and then the other one did too! I was blown away that in the midst of my fleshy and worldly attitudes God used these two strangers to bless me and fill me with soooo much encouragement, as they prayed for the purposes God has for me, for Jason and I, and for our future son.
Gosh I needed- my heart needed- last night so badly...thank you God....
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Through us...
So even though the story I share below happened two years ago, I still feel inspired to post it. I just listened to a pastor online talk about how God is seeking to heal and comfort people and that He does it through us. I want God to keep loving people through me....
Sept 25, 2008
So I walk into church service with Jason at 7pm. We find seats in front of this girl sitting by herself, wearing a cozy sweater, and inside my head I hear God say, “Notice her.”
So I did and I thought, “Hmm, wonder what this is about?”
Then after announcements the pastor had us turn to someone next to us and say hello. I specifically turned around and said hello to just her. We both looked at each other with a specificness only God could conjure. I knew something was up.
During the sermon I asked God, “Okay, what about her Lord? What do you want me to do?”
And He was like, “I want you to talk to her.”
“Okkkkaaay how? I don’t even know her. The pastor is speaking right now, than after that is worship, then we will both get up and leave. How will I have time to squeeze in something before she looks at me weird and takes off?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.”
“Okay, I’ll trust You and be obedient,” but even still the thought came to my mind, “Hmm, maybe I should just pretend I know her from somewhere, just to get the ball rolling.”
But God is way cooler than that because right after the service was over, as I was bending down to pick up my purse off the floor, He nudged me to look at her face on my way up. As I did she was standing there staring straight at me with tears in her eyes and without hesitation said, “Would you pray for me?”
I quickly said "Yes," and told her to come to the back wall with me by the crosses. I asked her if kneeling down was okay and what I could pray for?
She looked at me crying and said, “I’m lost. I don’t know.... I’m just lost.”
So I quickly quieted myself and asked God to help me pray for her. As I prayed she sat sobbing in my arms. So open and needy for God-for His love.
After we finished praying she said that she had just left her church and that she doesn’t usually go to Rock Harbor church services. She was really upset about church stuff. Then I told her what God had said to me in my seat while I was worshiping.
Then she said, “Wow, God told me, 'Ask the girl sitting in front of you to pray for you.' And I told Him, 'Well, aren’t there people in the back with prayer tags on who can pray for me?' He said, 'No, ask the girl in front of you.' 'But she’s worshiping and I don’t want to bug her.' Again He told me, 'Ask her.'”
We both sat there in the back of the church amazed by God and how He had spoken to both of us.
Then we both stood up slowly, said some awkward goodbyes, and shuffled out of the church service with everybody else.
I never saw that girl again.
But that night God blew me away with His ability to use two strangers to comfort one and increase the faith of both.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Where is the "off switch" in my brain?
Last night my mind was racing. I almost couldn't believe that a person's brain could literally jump from topic to topic in a matter of seconds- each previous thought triggering the next...
"Did I register for the right things? What am I forgetting? Oh, I need to pack my hospital bag! Gosh, I'm scared to give birth, I don't want it to hurt. I don't want to be embarrassed or feel like a wimp if I can't handle the pain. How is it going to go down? There is so many ways the birth could happen, I don't want a c-section. Gosh if I have a c-section how long will I have to recover? Will I have enough help or will I just feel completely overwhelmed with baby. I need to make sure I can have dinner ready for hubby when he gets home from work everyday. I don't want to be a bad wife. I don't want to be a bad mom. I don't want Luke to get sick, but he is a kid and he will get sick. uh, autism, so many boys get it. I'm nervous. i hope we get along with our pediatrician. I heard you need to stay out of public places for awhile until the baby is a little older and his immune system is stronger. How am I going to go to the store or Target or church? i need to talk to my doctor. "
Finally in an exasperated whisper I was like, "Enough, geez! Lord, help me fall asleep. Will you help me turn my brain off? I am so nervous and worried about way too many things."
I was reminded, "Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:34 and "...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5
I was like, "Yes, good-do not worry about tomorrow." and then, "Tomorrow hmm, I think I can pack my hospital bag tomorrow. Who is coming to visit with me tomorrow? I hope I feel awake tomorrow, cause my head really hurts now and I think it's cause I didn't have caffeine today. Well, I'll have my coffee tomorrow and feel better. Dang, I need to call a bunch of people back tomorrow, I couldn't today cause my headache. I hope I have energy to call them.... "
With each thought I start getting sleepier and sleepier and slowly fade into sleep. Thank God. But dang if I'm going to catch my thoughts and make them obedient to Christ I need to realize how quick they run off and grab-em before they do.
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