Desire
If I let her she will fly...
she wants and asks, hopes for something more, gets, then wants again, always asking, always wishing.
She is so full of life, yet never satisfied
"Let's go here, do that, taste this"
Alive, she wants to feel
much more than I could ever give
Wanting her to leave me alone
and she won't
This morning I woke up so tired and quickly left for school, semi ready for my hour drive. As I put in a cd that I haven't listened to in a while I suddenly started to feel really dissatisfied.
I started thinking about ...
traveling to Paris, before having kids
wishing I'd done my hair this morning
taking a girls trip to NYC and walking the streets with our cool scarves and Starbucks
how much I need to exercise
imagining what I'd look like if I actually knew how to put on eyeshadow
hating my breakout
about all the cute accessories I would pick out if we just made more money
wishing my clothes were new
wondering if I was planning and doing my life in the "right" order
It was weird how these thoughts started to make my heart feel like it was sinking.
Huhhhh, what if I'm not living my life to the fullest?
What if my life could be better?
Am I keeping my life from being as cool and fun as I want it to be?!
By the time I got to school I was trying to figure out how to squeeze in a trip to Europe, graduate from school, find a cool job and finally buy those clothes I've been wanting. I was feeling a weird sense of control and yet uneasiness
So I started praying and asking God what He thought about those things. He had stuff to say and it was not exactly the wisdom I was hoping for like, "Book those plane tickets" or "Nordstroms is having a sale", but it was wisdom that reminded me that getting or having those things would erase my current desires, but only make room for new ones.
That He has a good plan and purpose for my life that is truly satisfying and filling. And that if I put Him first (not myself, which I'm so freakin good at) He promises He will bless me in ways I could never imagine...
and it may or may not include a cool scarf
4 comments:
Omg, Kimi, I LOVE it!! I could have written every word! I have no reason to be dissatisfied; do I not have everything a person needs to be happy? But it does not stop my heart from sometimes aching for more. I too, want to go on trips, have new clothes, learn how to put make-up on, have time for exercise, get rid of acne. I dream of a Victorian house with a yard for my kids to play in, and lots of storage so I can have more STUFF (like seasonal decorations that I can get out once a year, but store during the rest of the year). I want to be a stay-at-home mom. I want to go back to college and get my degree. I want a career as a pilot. Doubts creep up on me as to whether or not I'm doing the right things with my life. Sometimes I have to make myself remember that I've got a good life going on, my kids and hubby are happy, and if God wanted a big change, doors would open in front of me. And it may or may not include a Victorian house and a career as a pilot. :D
Jennifer S.
Wisdom things like this always remind me of reading proverbs. I like your blog it is very interesting.
i think those same things it seems every time i drive to work. what am i doing? why do i work there? am i doing enough for my brother? i need a vacation! why does it seem as though there is never enough time? am i healthy enough? i want to walk the streets of NYC in my favorite scarf, widow shopping with my friends, with a warm drink in my hands as well. i want to be graduated already! I, I, I, I want....and then i take a deep breath and ask, why do i act as if i have any sort of control. i only have control over how i respond to life. these past years have shown me that. with getting sick, taking on my brother and ...MAN getting older...tick tock. i relinquish everyday the responsibility of deciding what is best for me. that pattern has shown that only god seems to know, and i trust his judgment.
one lesson i learned many years ago about these types of situations, was when in went on a hike with an exboyfriend in hawaii. we were both wearing sandals and half way back one of mine broke. my ex gave me his oversized shoes and walked the rest of the way barefoot. we walked over pebbles and rocks. then suddely we got to a point where there were boulders and oversized smooth rocks. my ex then turned to me, smiled and said " yes, big rocks" he was so pleased and it was at that moment i that i never had to ask myself again how people in poverty striken areas could smile and laugh. because it seems that no matter how bad your situation is, there is always something to look forward to and celebrate. even if your celebrating a bunch of big rocks.
meaghan n.
my goodnes kimi, this is beautiful. i grieve with you in your loss of all that is dads & their daughters. i hate that for you and know you don't deserve it and it's not fair, but am SO crazy grateful that Jesus found you and that you have an amazing husband and a loving father-in-law. God is good, all the time :) Thanks for sharing your heart. You're stinkin' rad. Love you!
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