I'm beyond done, I'm burnt

I'm overwhelmed with the amount of responsiblity I have on my plate right now.

I'm: in school full time, on the leadership team within my church community, a host and leader of a weekly community gathering out of our home, interning, graduating from college in 3 weeks, pregnant, a wife, a community pastor and working part time.

All of this spills over and makes seemingly simple tasks like going to Target, getting ready, exercising, cooking dinner, or getting coffee with a friend seem beyond my limit of what I can physically do.

Now, I'm very well aware of the fact that I put myself in many of the responsiblities  And some of them I know God has called me too, but I just can't imagine that He'd want me to be this frazzled right now.

I'm also well aware of the fact that this has been a life pattern for me. I'm either doing too little and bored out of my mind or doing too much and telling everyone how busy and stressed out I am. I have no sense of, "K, this is good enough and I need to say no to everything else." you'd think I'd learn the lesson.

I have got to get a grip on this before my baby comes or life will be real fun-gosh.

Some of my anxious prayers I journaled this morning...

April 26, 2010

Jesus, I’m beyond overwhelmed. I have a bunch of things I want to do, need to do, and have to do. I can’t keep them all straight. I feel like I’m falling apart today. I feel so DONE.

Your word says to cast all my anxiety onto You, because you care about me (1 Peter 5:7).

So, what is making me anxious:

1. Mon, Tues, and Wed seem insurmountable to me. Each day is jammed packed with no time to nap, be in Your presence, or grocery shop for much needed food. I am physically, emotionally exhausted because my jammed packed schedule has been this way for weeks and these next few days seem awful. It’s Monday and I don’t have any downtime till Thursday. guh...Would You  teach me how to manage this stuff, give me grace to change some things, or grace to deal with them if I can’t change them. I can’t stand facing these problems the same way I always have.


2. Group Project for school- I need energy and time to send out a group email, then go to the library and research Mother Theresa and then write a speech. I just don’t have time. Lord would you help me create time to do this and get good enough grades to get into grad school

3. Finding and getting a counselor who I can afford, works with my schedule, is a Christian, who does EFT. Lord would you help me find a counselor who will lead me closer to You and who will work with those specifications?

4. Exercising: I have barely exercised these last 3 months. I am getting more cellulite and that makes me feel gross, frustrated, and scared. Lord will you help me find time to exercise and take care of my physical body.

5. Hanging out with family and friends. I feel like I will let people down or hurt them if I can’t see them, because I’m too tired, busy with school, volunteering, work, homework, internship, birthday parties, and meetings. Lord would you help learn how to say no gracefully and remind me that people understand.

6. Developing my gifts. Lord I desperately want to be used by you in powerful ways, but I feel like I’m being worn out and pushed to the limit. I have no time or space to seek you. Lord would you rebuke the enemy from trying to discourage me or make me think I’ve got to do everything else, but spend time with you.

7. Missional Community gathering: This whole thing is an after-thought for me, and that is frustrating. I feel like a bad host, ill prepared to lead our team, and I usually enter the night with a sour attitude. I barely scrape by through Monday and Tuesday to sweep into this Wednesday night gathering feeling like I’ve got nothing to give. God you've been so faithful through the whole process. Would you continue to help us get everything organized for the event-would u give each of us energy to do our assigned tasks? And I desperately need your grace to have a joyful attitude about it rather than a complaining frustrated one. Especially since I’m sticking through this and keeping my word to the team.

8. I just feel bad today. I feel down on myself. Like I’m failing at everything. I look like crap, the house is a disaster, I’m not contributing anything of quality to the leadership team, I’m missing out on quality time with my family and friends, I can’t keep my emotions or attitude in check, I have so many ideas, but no time for follow through, I cook like two nights a week, and don’t have time to shop for anything. I feel uncomfortable in my ever changing body and all my clothes don’t fit. I keep forgetting to complete assignments in my classes-I’ve already forgotten a midterm, a paper, and a quiz.
Father, would you help me see all these things through Your eyes?
Life with children will only get more hectic and crazy.
I feel like I’m going to be such a bad mom.
How am I going to do it?
I need your wisdom so badly.
Please help me deal with this...cause I'm burnt...out.

forgiveness & apple pie

My friend called the other day upset. She knew her boyfriend had struggled with porn in the past, and thought he was getting over it. But then he stumbled again.

She told me that when she got off work that night she was going to have her boyfriend over to tell him they should take a break. Even though after confessing to her and telling her again and again how sorry he was and how he knew what he did was wrong and it made him sick to know he was hurting her-the pain, confusion, and frustration my friend felt was palpable over the phone. Although his apology was sincere she questioned why he was still struggling when he says he loves her and God so much.

She asked me if I thought  they should take a break?

Hmm now, I've known this couple for awhile and the fruit in their relationship far outweighs the stumbling blocks they have come across in the last few years, so I told her no and then asked her,"You know that verse in the Bible that says, 'Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.'?" Romans 12:21.

She said, "Yeah."

"Well, what would it look like instead of getting angry at him, telling him all he's done wrong, and that you want a break, if after work you picked up one of his favorite things to eat and told him that you forgive him and that you love him?"

And it was as though within a sentence Jesus came in and sucked all the anger from my friend's heart and with excitement and compassion in her voice she said,  "Yes, yes I would love to do that. I already know exactly what I can bring him. Oh Kimi, now I'm so excited to see him."

I hung up the phone so grateful for His Word and really hopeful for how my friend's night would go. It wasn't until after a few days later when her and I got to catch up that I was astounded at the grace Jesus gave this 22-year-old friend of mine to forgive the man she loves.

This is what happened when she got off work to meet up with him.

My friend knew her boyfriend loves apple pie so after work that night she stopped at Marie Calander's, but it was late and already closed-so she ran over to the grocery store and picked up a frozen Claim Jumper pie instead.When she got home she sprinkled graham cracker crust on it and put it in the oven. Her boyfriend was on his way over and she was excited to see him.

Expecting to get dumped for what he had done her boyfriend walked into the house, smelled the apple pie,  and saw her standing there grinning.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"I'm baking you an apple pie," she said as she walked over to the kitchen him following her.

Stopping in front of the warm oven and in utter confusion he asked, "What? Why?"

And with love and confidence she repiled, "Because I want you to know I forgive you and I love you."

He stood there in front of the oven, his girlfriend who just this afternoon was crying and angry with him on the phone was now giving him love he didn't deserve. His jaw dropped, he reached out, grabbed her around the waist, and held her tight, "I don't deserve you. You truly are a gift from God."

Her voice gentle and passionate she went on to tell him all the ways she's seen him grow over the last year and told him how proud she was of him.

He continued to be amazed at her love for him.

The rest of the night they ended up talking, reading scripture and praying together.

As her and I sat there in the coffee shop catching up I was in tears at the absolute power of forgiveness. Things could have turned out far different for the both of them that night, but with God's grace, a few words, and an apple pie- what evil meant to destroy, God used for good.

May we continue to stop evil in it's tracks as we offer love and forgiveness to each other. Amen.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; 

I (Jesus) have come that you may have life and have it to the full. John 10:10

"If anyone has caused [you] grief...the punishment inflicted on him by the majoritiy is sufficient for him. How instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore to reaffirm your love for him." 2 Corinthians 2:5-8

Testing of my heart at Walmart

I am distrubed by the fact I don't have to go far to be made aware of my heart attitudes toward the poor, marginalized, disabled and outcast. I don't have to take a missions trip to Mexico or visit a hospital, but give me thirty minutes on my lunch break to show me how far I am from the heart of God.

I had to pick up toliet paper today and I work right next to a Walmart (Target is further down the street), so in order to save time on my precious break I decide to go to Walmart, even though I can't stand the place.

And the reason why leads me to a confession and a begging of God to change me.

The minute I walk into that place I feel dirty, out of place, and irritated. I'm surrounded by people who are different from me and it freaks me out.

Different mindsets, different colors, different shapes, different languages, different ages, different status, different clothes, different smells, different cultures. 

I'm writing this and my heart is slowly breaking as I realize what my pride is stealing from me. It is stealing the truth. The truth that God loves these people. They are made in His image. He desires each one of them to spend eternity with Him and to restore them as equally as He has and is restoring me.

Oh, Jesus please forgive me. Right now I confess I think I am better than some of your children. I am sorry Lord and I know it is not right-I need your help to change-I want to change.

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

He set my feet on solid ground

By the time I was twenty three years old I'd been raped, pregnant with an abortion, sexually assaulted, physically abused, and told I had a STD; all with different guys.

The stabbing pain of those memories, the dark moments I couldn’t escape, the path my life was taking-I was being destroyed. The weight of it was too heavy for me. I couldn’t see myself right and I felt like no one understood. I didn’t know what to do with all the feelings I had. I just wanted someone to say it was all going to be okay. I wanted to feel protected. But I wasn’t. I was alone.

One night I was lying in my bed balling my eyes out and I cried out loud, "Help me, please somebody help me." I didn't believe in God so I have no idea who I thought would hear me.

But He did.

Three months later I was invited to a church gathering and I said, "No, church freaks me out." Again I was invited and I thought, “Well, I can check it out. It won't hurt.”

That night I heard a clear and concise message about Jesus. I heard a message that said He wanted to love me despite what I had been through or how broken I felt. That He wanted to know me and walk me through all I had experienced. All that had left me confused, pissed off, and really sad.

I sat in that church gathering with tears streaming down my face. Was this Jesus for real?

It has been 4 years since I’ve accepted Christ into my heart.

Jesus has completely flipped my life upside down. From the wisdom He gives me when I simply ask, the blessings He pours out because He’s that good, His powerful life changing Word, to the purpose He’s given me, I am reminded again and again I am not alone.

God is faithful and He wants to continue to do this in others lives.

I pray I am used as a tool for this purpose, for His purpose.

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
      and he turned to me and heard my cry.
 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
      out of the mud and the mire.
   He set my feet on solid ground
      and steadied me as I walked along.
  He has given me a new song to sing,
      a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40