Oh the joys of how God made us

I am a very sensitive person. I am starting to realize that God made me that way for a very particular purpose. So being sensitive is cool for me when I'm talking with someone and I can relate to how they feel, or when I can understand what someone is going through and have compassion. BUT and let me repeat this BUT, being sensitive is not cool when:

-I am tired, hungry or stressed

-PMSing. Let me paint a picture...I am pmsing and last night after being at school from 6:30am-3pm then the Dr., then two grocery stores, then home to cook, shower, clean and go to a meeting at 8pm. I was exhausted and on the drive home from the meeting Jason happened to mention that there was laundry that we needed to do and I start crying. Crying about laundry! When I'm pmsing my sensitivity level goes through the roof-I can't handle what I normally can.

-a dog barks, or someone laughs, sniffles, or talks loud. Because I've realized being emotionally sensitive can also mean your just sensitive period.

-someone doesn't like me (this contributes to my people pleasing personality)

-sad commercials come on tv and I cry (this one makes me feel like a sap)

-I start to realize that I cry over everything and wonder if my tears even mean anything anymore

Well Lord at least I know that:

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it." Psalm 139:13-14

And I will continue to be grateful for my sensitivity. :)

Minding my own business

I feel so relaxed walking to the nail salon, with my treat, a venti vanilla iced latte from Starbucks. It's warm outside and I love being by myself, quiet.

Then I pass a Lampost pizza restaurant and glance through the window. It's empty; except for the chef, cashier and a mom with twin girls about seven years old. I have no thoughts about them and keep walking.

Then inside me I hear a kind voice that is not mine.

He simply says, "Go back and buy them lunch"

I've experienced this quite a few times, so I was convicted it was the Lord. Quickly I turned around and started walking back towards the restaurant, although not without a little talking back, well debating... I'm like, "But Lord, what if she's rich and doesn't need me to buy her lunch?" or
"What if I just didn't see her husband and she's totally taken care of, that would be awkward." But still the conviction inside me would not leave and I took a deep breath and walked into the pizza parlor.

Oh gosh, it was really quiet in the parlor, and I started getting nervous/excited. I went to the cashier and said, "Um, I want to buy that lady and her kids over there in that booth lunch."

"Well, she already paid, but I can delete the payment and you can pay with your debt card."

"Sure, " I said

"It'll be $32.89," he said. I was surprised at how nonchalant this whole exchange was with him. Like random people always come in and pay for other peoples meals...maybe they do?

Now, the super awkward part. I walk up to her table with my receipt in hand and say, "Um, so this is going to sound really weird, but I felt like God wanted me to buy you guys lunch. So I paid for your tab."

I stop talking, waiting for her to say something, anything...and she said-

"Wow, thank you. My daughters and I are here having lunch after vacation bible school. We came here because we are checking out this community to see if we'd like to move here. I actually prayed this morning that if God wanted us to move here that He would give us a sign. "

We talked more and I find out she is divorced and her and her twins are living with her brother 40 minutes north.

Now, I'm not sure if she'll ever actually end up moving to my community one day, but I am thankful to know how big God is to answer prayers for other people-even when I'm just minding my own business.

Distractions

What distracted me today from spending alone time with God?

1. I wanted to get to the beach early enough to beat the crowds, so oops there goes my morning and afternoon

2. At the beach I had school texts and other "easier" books to read then the Bible. Lord forgive me. :(

3. After beach we went straight to my in-laws house for a BBQ, and it's awkward to step away and say, "Hey I'm just going to go upstairs and pray."

4. Well number four has lead me up to right now...I could easily use a bunch of distractions cause right at 8:45pm- I'm tired, my stomach kind of hurts (I'm full. I ate too many chips and guac.), and it seems more relaxing to go take a shower then to sit before the Lord.

BUT I'm going to muster up the tiny-est amount of motivation and love and go talk with Him. Jason is watching a football game so I have a minute or two.

Gosh Lord help me and give me strength to love you with all my heart tonight.

This is how God found me....

July 24 2005

On the floor, in a pile. Desperate. Me. Overwhelmed. Lonely, missing...desperate missing. Hurt not touched, not known. Someone just scoop me up. Squeeze me. Remind me I'm worth it. Tell me you won't leave me, don't you dare leave me. Please! Don't leave me! stay. Someone tell me you understand, you've been here too. I'm not crazy. I swear I'm not negative, I just need a hug, someone to say it's okay to hurt. I have no one. Someone to say, "Kimi, you're okay just the way you are." I can't smile anymore tonight, please tell me that's fine. I have no purpose. Empty, slow, hungry. Someone understand, no judging. hurting so much, wanting so much. Hitting bottom, let me die. people don't get me, i'm too much. Too much pain, confusion, need, hurt, tears. crying out. Hear me. Someone....please....

And then God did. He heard me. He rushed into my life. He sent me an angel. He told me I'm worth it. I am worth it. I can tell Him anything. He is excited for my purpose and what we'll do together. Together.

That summer, He picked me up off that floor, off the bottom, out of my pain, and now He won't dare leave.

I get stressed out

I want to see what stresses me out to today. I want to see if I get stressed too easily. I'm going with- I do. Hmm.
I will report back at the end of the day....post to be continued....


Okay continuing post...this is what stressed me out/made me anxious today:
-I got to the coffee shop and realized I left my wallet at home
-I got to the coffee shop late and realized I only had 40 mins to read instead of a solid hour
-(that last one is lame)
-I wait tables for work and today as I was frantically trying to close out two checks, my customer gluped down the rest of his root beer. The empty glass made me stressed.
-When I was on my way home from work thinking about what to make for dinner
-My husband came home from a trip tonight and when I got home from work I was trying to figure out how I could squeeze in the gym before I showered, wash and do my hair for him, go to the grocery store, wash our sheets, tidy up, start and finish dinner by 6pm


So, observation: when I would catch my self running around, tensing up or just straight not breathing I kind of realized I get stressed or tense a lot throughout the day, and really for no good reason. Lame.

I want to be like that

I saw her today. Thirty five, brown short hair. With a woman's hairstyle; a woman's hairstyle like she knows she's a woman, not a teenager or twenty four/ twenty five year old, but a woman. Her dress was navy and to her knees, tight-but not too tight. I loved her red wallet and tan skin, perfectly manicured toes, and silver bracelet.

I saw her today- the woman I want to be.

I keep thinking one day I'll be her-the woman I want to be. One day I'll always have manicured toes-never chipping. One day I'll have a nice wallet, purse and shoes. One day I'll be confident. One day I'll feel like a woman, not a girl or something in the middle. One day....

phmmm (phmmm=deep sigh)

Why is this important to me? I feel like I sound so shallow, but as I was sitting at Starbucks staring at her, thinking I want to be like that-it mattered to me.

Gosh Lord where are You in any of my girl...ish thoughts?

Cursing under my breath

I decided to sit down and write when I realized I was cursing under my breath about my egg breakfast. I feel so lonely. I want to experience the promises of God. He says, I will never leave you or forsake you. He fellowships with me. And yet I still feel alone most of the time. Yes there are amazing times spent with God, but they are not constant. Open my eyes Lord to how you are always at work around me, shift my perspective to see everything is all about you. Because right now its not and I can tell from my attitude.

Okay I will have a victorious day at work today, but I need your help God. K there is a will of God in every situation, You are always at work. You speak to me through the church, prayer, the Bible, and circumstances. You have chosen me to do good works, and I can only do what I see you doing. I don't have to manifest stuff, and I can cast all my anxiety onto you....let's see how today goes and how I am able to use the weapons of praise, the Word, and thanksgiving to fight the evil one in his attempt to steal my joy.