pretty strangers

In my church community I'm part of the leadership team and just recently I've been given the opportunity to walk in the role of community pastor. I think my sister said it perfectly when she said, "Wow, Kimi five years ago you were agnostic and now you're a pastor!" It's crazy to me too and awesome that God can change someone so drastically. He has a plan and purpose for our lives that sometimes we'd never dream of. I know I NEVER grew up wanting to be a pastor. funny.

Anyways, five weeks ago I was praying for our church community and asked God what He would want as far as a prayer gathering for His people at Rock Harbor south county.  I heard, "Pray every other night for the next five weeks."

"WHAT! Where would we do that Lord?"

"Here."

I was praying on my couch so I figured He meant at me and Jason's house.

I sat and thought about it and realized that five weeks made total sense it was exactly how much time I had left on bed-rest for my pregnancy. So I would be home every other night for the next five weeks and I figured what else would I be doing. Praying is never a bad way to spend my time. Even though I was thinking praying in groups can get really boring I still thought how much I long for moments when God reveals Himself and that these prayer gatherings could be time to allow Him to guide our prayers- to see what He might say or show us.

So five weeks ago we announced it to our church community and Jason and I started opening up our home every other night for people to come over and sit and wait in God's presence-asking Him to guide our prayers. For five weeks God has been faithful and we've had a group of people show up every other night. People we know and people we don't. There have been nights when I'm amped people are coming over to pray and other nights when I'm like, "Do we have too? I feel so tired and out of it."

Last night was one of those nights. I was feeling pretty angry about something that had happened earlier and I had a real attitude going on in my heart.

So when one of our regular prayer night attendees brought two friends with her- two friends who were pretty, full of life, and you could just tell loooved Jesus. What did I do?

Yep-got jealous.

So great...angry and jealous-awesome way to start off a prayer gathering at my house-good one Kim.

As soon as we started praying and waiting in the Lord's presence. I got soooo uncomfortable. All that anger and jealousy in my heart was making it very awkward for me. Then one of the pretty, full of life girls said she saw a picture of a tree with deep roots, but she saw some of the roots were disconnected. And then she prayed, "Lord if there is any root of bitterness or lack of forgiveness in those of us sitting here would You heal that?"

And in my head I was like, "Ooh, she is talking to me. I'm super bitter right now about what happened today and I have obviously not forgiven that person who hurt me." I knew I had to confess and say that I forgive that person. So I did-without saying names.

 Man, it felt SO good to say it out loud. Immediately tears started streaming down my face and I felt my heart soften and melt. What was moments before a rock in my chest was now a heart more open and ready to think about better things, than the pity party I was throwing before. God was healing my heart.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." 

James 5:16

Little did I know that God had more healing in mind. Later on as we were praying Jason asked God if there was anything else He wanted us to prayer about.

And then my heart started racing as I thought about how jealous I was of those pretty strangers sitting next to me and God impressed it so strongly on my heart that I knew I couldn't end the night without also confessing that I was so jealous of them.

I took a deep breath, and said, "Guh... this is embarrassing Lord, but I feel compelled to confess. I'm really jealous of, blah blah and blah blah. They came in here and seemed so capable of praying and I saw their love forYou and I confess God I was jealous of it. Your word says that we have not because we do not ask God. So Lord I ask You, I want an intimate and deep relationship with You and I want You to teach me how to pray, like You've taught these two girls..... Huuuhhhh, thank you God for healing me as I confess."

It was silent.

And yet I felt SO much freedom and peace in my soul. There was all of sudden a sense of authenticity in the room and no tension between us anymore.

And then one of the pretty strangers started praying with such a passion and love for me only God could give her and then the other one did too! I was blown away that in the midst of my fleshy and worldly attitudes God used these two strangers to bless me and fill me with soooo much encouragement, as they prayed for the purposes God has for me, for Jason and I, and for our future son.

Gosh I needed- my heart needed- last night so badly...thank you God....

Through us...

So even though the story I share below happened two years ago, I still feel inspired to post it. I just listened to a pastor online talk about how God is seeking to heal and comfort people and that He does it through us. I want God to keep loving people through me....

Sept 25, 2008

So I walk into church service with Jason at 7pm. We find seats in front of this girl sitting by herself, wearing a cozy sweater, and inside my head I hear God say, “Notice her.”

So I did and I thought, “Hmm, wonder what this is about?”

Then after announcements the pastor had us turn to someone next to us and say hello. I specifically turned around and said hello to just her. We both looked at each other with a specificness only God could conjure. I knew something was up.

During the sermon I asked God, “Okay, what about her Lord? What do you want me to do?”

And He was like, “I want you to talk to her.”

“Okkkkaaay how? I don’t even know her. The pastor is speaking right now, than after that is worship, then we will both get up and leave. How will I have time to squeeze in something before she looks at me weird and takes off?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.”

“Okay, I’ll trust You and be obedient,” but even still the thought came to my mind, “Hmm, maybe I should just pretend I know her from somewhere, just to get the ball rolling.”

But God is way cooler than that because right after the service was over, as I was bending down to pick up my purse off the floor, He nudged me to look at her face on my way up. As I did she was standing there staring straight at me with tears in her eyes and without hesitation said, “Would you pray for me?”

I quickly said "Yes," and told her to come to the back wall with me by the crosses. I asked her if kneeling down was okay and what I could pray for?

She looked at me crying and said, “I’m lost. I don’t know.... I’m just lost.”

So I quickly quieted myself and asked God to help me pray for her. As I prayed she sat sobbing in my arms. So open and needy for God-for His love.

After we finished praying she said that she had just left her church and that she doesn’t usually go to Rock Harbor church services. She was really upset about church stuff. Then I told her what God had said to me in my seat while I was worshiping.

Then she said, “Wow, God told me, 'Ask the girl sitting in front of you to pray for you.' And I told Him, 'Well, aren’t there people in the back with prayer tags on who can pray for me?'  He said, 'No, ask the girl in front of you.'  'But she’s worshiping and I don’t want to bug her.' Again He told me, 'Ask her.'”

We both sat there in the back of the church amazed by God and how He had spoken to both of us.

Then we both stood up slowly, said some awkward goodbyes, and shuffled out of the church service with everybody else.

I never saw that girl again.

But that night God blew me away with His ability to use two strangers to comfort one and increase the faith of both.

Where is the "off switch" in my brain?

As each day draws closer to my newborn sons' arrival I'm finding the hundreds of things to think about as a new mom are turning into hundreds of things to worry about as a new mom, especially lying in bed at night.

Last night my mind was racing. I almost couldn't believe that a person's brain could literally jump from topic to topic in a matter of seconds- each previous thought triggering the next...

"Did I register for the right things? What am I forgetting? Oh, I need to pack my hospital bag! Gosh, I'm scared to give birth, I don't want it to hurt. I don't want to be embarrassed or feel like a wimp if I can't handle the pain. How is it going to go down? There is so many ways the birth could happen, I don't want a c-section. Gosh if I have a  c-section how long will I have to recover? Will I have enough help or will I just feel completely overwhelmed with baby. I need to make sure I can have dinner ready for hubby when he gets home from work everyday. I don't want to be a bad wife. I don't want to be a bad mom.  I don't want Luke to get sick, but he is a kid and he will get sick. uh, autism, so many boys get it. I'm nervous. i hope we get along with our pediatrician. I heard you need to stay out of public places for awhile until the baby is a little older and his immune system is stronger. How am I going to go to the store or Target or church? i need to talk to my doctor. "

Finally in an exasperated whisper I was like, "Enough, geez! Lord, help me fall asleep. Will you help me turn my brain off? I am so nervous and worried about way too many things."

I was reminded, "Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:34 and "...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5

I was like, "Yes, good-do not worry about tomorrow." and then, "Tomorrow hmm, I think I can pack my hospital bag tomorrow. Who is coming to visit with me tomorrow? I hope I feel awake tomorrow, cause my head really hurts now and I think it's cause I didn't have caffeine today. Well, I'll have my coffee tomorrow and feel better. Dang, I need to call a bunch of people back tomorrow, I couldn't today cause my headache. I hope I have energy to call them.... "

With each thought I start getting sleepier and sleepier and slowly fade into sleep. Thank God. But dang if I'm going to catch my thoughts and make them obedient to Christ I need to realize how quick they run off and grab-em before they do.

her and Him...

Looking at the different women in my life I am continually amazed at how God grows each of them. As they discover Him, His ways, His voice. I watch this person-this woman in His presence and ways really live and come alive before my eyes. 

I see peace fill up inside her.

I see her noble and exciting purposes revealed.

I see her marvel at the love He has for her and the intimacy that comes from being lead by Him and hearing His voice.

I see the humility in her tears as she realizes how powerful, good, perfect and gentle He is.

I hear her confess to Him and then watch as He restores her and helps her stand up again to keep running the race, advancing His kingdom-bringing light into darkness.

I see a beautiful, unique, expression through her of God's grace.

Lord, I praise you for the work I've seen You do in the hearts, souls, and circumstances of these woman I'm so privileged to know.

Would you continue to bring those who feel dead inside into the life You promised them...

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus) have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." 

John 10:10

 "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow." 1 Corinthians 3:6-7

"Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood and as you lay there in your blood I said to you,"Live!"  
I [the Lord] made you grow like a plant of the field. You grew up and developed and became the most beautiful of jewels." 
Ezekiel 16:6-7

Seeking you...

"We will never find God unless He first seeks us, but we should remember that He can do so in very different ways. 

Sometimes, God jumps on us dramatically... and we have a sharp sense of His love. 

Sometimes He quietly and patiently argues with us even though we continue to turn away. 

How can you tell if He is working on you now? If you begin to sense your lostness and find yourself wanting to escape it, you should realize that that desire is not something you could have generated on your own. Such a process requires Help, and if it is happening it is a good indication that He is even now at your side. " 

-Timothy Keller

weight of temptation

Restless.
Ungrateful.
Wanting.
Alone.

And then it started. The slippery slope of thoughts that lead to sin. "Well it's not as bad as what other people do." I won't do it again." "No one will have to know." "I totally need this right now." "Nothing else sounds good enough." "Just once." "It'll be fine."

I sat there at my computer. It wasn't even late, but it was quiet in the house. And my selfish thoughts were so convicting it was as though there was another person in the room convincing me I deserved a "good time." The thoughts came so quickly and fast I could feel the pressure of them. I was being tempted and under their weight I had two options: To do what I wanted which was to say, "Yes," or to beg God to help me say, "No."

I stared at the computer screen, my thoughts racing...

and I bowed my head, "God, help me right now. You're going to have to help me. I need your power right now to say no to everything I want in this moment."

I looked up at the computer screen again and I could feel myself justify my desires and overpower any ounce of desire to be the woman God has called me to be.

I bowed my head again, "Lord, please fill me with your Holy Spirit right now, that I would walk in goodness and in light. Not in darkness. God help me be the woman you've called me to be." 

In that moment two random thoughts filled my head, "Go watch So You Think you can Dance to get away from the computer," and "Tell someone."

The weight of my desires lifted long enough to get out of my computer chair and walk out of the room. I went out into my living room. Thought about waking up Jason to tell him, but decided against it and thought my best friend would be a better place to start. I texted her exactly what I had been tempted to do and turned on So You Think You Can Dance.

A minute later my phone rang. My best friend was on the other end. Without a question or a need for me to explain, she started reminding me of all the ways God has filled my life with blessings and satisfaction. That the enemy would love more than anything for me to chose sin selfishly without regard for the ripple effect it would have on me, my husband, my future children and what God has called me to do. 

She said while I was sitting at the computer heavy in my selfish desires it was as though Satan were standing behind me telling me how great it would all be, how fun, how much I deserved it. And Jesus was standing there too. Waiting for me to chose Him, waiting for me to die to myself and say no to Satan. Without words standing there with love and grace in His eyes for me... as He let me decide.

As she said these things my heart broke and tears streamed down my face.

I couldn't imagine pushing Jesus aside to say yes Satan, yes to the enemy.

As my best friend continued to speak truth into me I realized the power that's in reaching out and getting encouragement from others in the midst of my temptations and struggles. I can't fight alone. I can't.

"See to it brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:12-13

thank you...

Lord, this bed-rest feels like a precious gift. I beg You and beg You and beg You that the time would not be gobbled up or taken. That I wouldn't waste it. But that I would be still enough to hear Your voice, to follow Your lead, to let You me guide these next four months. There is so much passion and desire in me that just wants to dump out at your feet-You are awesome.

I'm afraid I'll get distracted from You during this time-in Your precious name would You protect me from distractions. Would You set off the alarm in my heart when I am wandering. I want to grow up in You more, I want to be drawn into Your glory and be left in awe time and time again. I want You to show up in my life and that people would be amazed at who You are.

God in the name of Jesus would you reveal yourself through my life. 

I ask you to increase my faith.