Let no man put asunder....

I wanted to write a post about marriage. Growing up I was really scared to get married. To me marriage equaled: divorce, cheating, and unhappiness. I feared that if I willingly walked into marriage, just hoping for the best, that I'd end up with a pile of pictures, moving boxes, and custody battles.

Marriages I'd seen looked nothing like something I'd actually want to choose.

When Jason and I were dating and got serious we had a lot of conversations about my fears. Some of these conversations were heated, some were awkward, some emotional (well all of em were emotional on my end), but they always ended good. We would talk about Jesus being at the center. That when we got married we'd take issues to Him and ask for His help and wisdom. That we'd ask Him to help us grow and change and work on stuff. That we'd ask Him to give us perspective. And as we maneuvered through the dating process and started going to counseling and premarital classes-we continued to grow closer and closer together in the vision of what we wanted from a marriage- our expectations, our hopes of what our marriage would represent... what it would be...

Now two years into my marriage with Jason- God has given us a lot of wisdom, passion, hilariousness,  patience, and tons of help with issues we've brought to Him.

I praise Him that those fears, I had growing up, gave me a passion for marriage instead of continuing to scare me away from what has been the best blessing of my life.

Jason-I love...... loooove being your wife

A tree

So, the last couple of days I've been made very aware of some of my bratty attitudes, evil desires, and bad habits. And each time I'm suddenly conscious of these things I'm like,
"Uhhh...gosh that's part of me. I am so sorry Lord. Please forgive me and help me get rid of that."

So, specifically tonight I was made aware of an evil desire, and I immediately confessed it to Him and said how sorry I was. But then I started feeling kind of gross, and I was like "Gosh, am I ever going to get rid of these things?! I feel frustrated and overwhelmed with how much work needs to be done still."

And then He quickly showed me a picture

It was a picture of me, but as a tree. I had big, bushy leaves and fruit hanging from my branches. And there was this one piece of fruit dangling; it was darker than the rest and had obviously gone bad.

As God showed me that even though I, as a tree, desperately wanted some sort of extremity to reach out and yank that bad fruit off of me-I couldn't.

I couldn't

And then in the picture there was a man, a man who looked like a gardener. This gardener walked up to me, the tree, and picked the bad fruit right from my branch. Just like that.

Jesus says, "I am the true vine, and My Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."

I was instantly comforted and reminded of the fact that I can't fix myself. I can't make myself better or good. And it only hurts me if I beat myself up or become frustrated at myself, because I'm not who I hoped I'd be by now.

I'm okay...and it's going to be okay...because He is the gardener and I am the tree.

   

Thoughts

The days following  my last blog post "List-a-roo",  I had tons of  thoughts floating through my head...

Thoughts like:

-hmm, I can do most those things even if I have kids

-it was hard to come up with even 12 things I wanted to do, basically 85% of that list was me forcing myself to come up with things that remotely sounded fun or cool (I'm either boring, lazy, or like to do only a few things :))

- I don't have the slightest motivation to do some of those things ( I may need some coaxing-so if anyone is already going to an open mic night then I may consider coming along, well of course only if you invite me)

-that I'd actually rather have our baby here with us than care about going horseback riding this year

and then to top those thoughts off ..I ran across this verse today... 

"Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you.  For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world.  And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever." I John 2:15-17

Wow!!!Whoa dang! Talk about reshaping some perspective on my "list a roo"! Jesus help- cause I'm definitely not there yet!!! I have lots of cravings for physical pleasure and stuff I see, and even today I took some pride in my achievements.

God, I thank you for who You are and I need Your grace (grace=the influence or spirit of God operating in me to regenerate or strengthen me) to help me look up and not so much around at what I want...

List -a- roo

My friend did this inspiring blog post about 30 things she wants to do before she's 30, which is in a year-she's to include loved ones in the process, and bring God along the journey..

Her list inspired me to make a list of 12 things I want to do before we have kids... So let's see...

The Twelve things

1. Go on a trip with Jason (missions trip, NYC, Europe)

2. Make a scrapbook of me and Jay's second year of marriage

3. Take a sister trip to San Francisco

4. Go out country line dancing with my best friend

5. Go horseback riding

6. Read one book just for fun or because it's interesting (ie: not textbook)

7. Go to an open mic night

8. Go big for my mom's 50th birthday

9. Learn to bake some gluten free desserts (red velvet cake, cupcakes)

10. worship with Phil Wickham live

11. host a block party/continue to get to know our neighbors

12.****(for number 12 I want your suggestions!)****

ooh and one more

13. Take a mini road trip 

Put suggestions in your comments, por favor!!!

state of the heart...

"Guard your heart above all else,
      for it determines the course of your life." Proverbs 4:23

I drew a picture of my heart 4 years ago, before I knew Him. This picture is exactly like the one in my journal...

In it so many confusing feelings: loss, frustration, dark memories, hope not found, overwhelming jealousy, ANGER, insecurity, wanting someone to hold it-me, needing protection.

Deep wounds, stab marks, gaping holes upon gaping holes...

The sad part was that out of this kind of heart...I was doing my own fair share of stabbing and wounding. The choices I made from this place left me more confused and with more pain that I didn't know what to do with. I tried to put up a facade for awhile, but there came a point when the pain couldn't help but seep through. And as the dam broke and crumbled- the mess I was on the inside flowed freely from my lips, sat wobbling in my hands, and turned into who I was.

This mess-this person that I was is who Jason met, once we reconnected again.

When I answered the door for our first date I had the facade up barely, but he soon saw the broken heart
-girl- that I was.

Jason wrote me this letter after we'd been together for awhile, and I think it speaks so clearly of what God did once He got a hold of me and my crappy heart...

Letter from Jason to Kimi:

Hi Gorgeous,

So since I was blessed with the chance to reconnect with you on September 10, 2005, I have seen unbelievable things happen right before my eyes:

I have seen the grace of Jesus Christ transform your heart, soul and mind...in a way that showed me how powerful God is. He changed a girl from living for the temporary self gratification of this world into a maturing woman of God that is now trying to live for our Savior's eternal purposes and kingdom.

I have seen a girl that was so deeply wounded, that she was bleeding hurt, pain and sadness that would affect her emotions and actions...into a follower of Christ where her wounds are healing each day, growing smaller and smaller, until ultimately they will be completely healed with only a small scar showing for the sake of her amazing tesstimony that will glorify God in every way.

I have seen God transform your old perspective into wisdom...and I could continue to go on forever about all the amazing things that I have seen God do in your heart, soul and mind.

He has come in and flipped our worlds upside down...in ways that are so amazing, almost like a dream I never thought could happen. That is how loving and amazing our God is!!

I love you so much Kimi!!! I can't wait for tonight to hang out with our family:)
Love,
Jason

To let go...crappy or not

I would love to say, "Oh yeah that little stuff- it doesn't bother me, ha I'm so joyful all the time and I always feel great!"

Well that is just not true, and today is an excellent example of how I'd love to have seamless emotions, but in reality I don't.

I'm still in the middle of growing up in Him....

So-today I actually had the nerve to claim that today had been a bad day.
I was cooking dinner when Jason got home and
I was in a real tiffy.
He could tell and I said with a pout,
"I've had a bad day."
And he asked me, "Well what happened?"....

hmmm...What did happened today?

Well...

-I read two looong articles for lab class and then got to class to find out I had read the wrong ones and I couldn't take the quiz. My teacher just said, "Sorry."

-I had a meeting in the late afternoon and my stomach was doing flips before it

-the meeting went really well and I was presented with an excellent opportunity for school

Hmm anything else...hmmm...nope-THAT was it!!!!

What!!!

Are my hormones that out of whack that I could see things so crappy??

Gosh, I am so curious what God thinks when He hears me complaining about what a bad day it's been!?

It's ironic, because at school He actually had enough grace to allow me to literally almost run into this guy, who was in a motorized wheel chair, as I was complaining! What a freakin bratty kid I am! Thank you for waking me up, jeez...

God, I pray that you would forgive me for complaining. That I would be grateful for this day. That I would not see it through my hormones.

That I would let go of my perspective and see Yours...

..."for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose." Philippians 2:14

Something switched

When I lived in San Francisco I wasn't a believer, but I had started being intrigued by who and what God was. I lived by myself (well with another lady, but we were 25 years apart in age and she was seriously never home). So for me being alone in the city turned out to be a major transition time spiritually.

I would hear stuff from other people like, "If you are sad or need help pray and ask God and He'll be there for you." And I was like,

"Really? Really though?"          I needed to know it for myself.

One day I was walking home from school, SFSU, crying and I decided to let my doubtful wall fall for a moment and I let out a honest, irritated prayer- full of all the jealous frustrated emotions I was feeling.

Now, I can't remember if through my tears I waited to hear Him say anything or not, but once I had gotten home, had a snack, and stopped crying and while playing video games- I heard a still clear voice in my head give me the simplest response to what I was crying about on my way home.

I heard that one sentence and everything I was so worked up about fell into place in my heart and mind. It was going to be okay, and not only okay-but something switched in me that day....

I started to desire to hear from Him more and more....

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." James 1:5-8