At Rock Harbor this weekend we learned about what forgiveness is and what it isn't. I wanna share the lists:

 Forgiveness does not mean:
         -you approve of what they did
         -you excuse what they did
         -you justify what they did
         -you deny what they did
         -you pretend you are not hurt
         -pardon what they did-sometimes there are consequences
         -you have to reconcile with that person
         -you forget what they did

Forgiveness is:
        -Based entirely on how God treated us
        -Being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them
        -refusing to punish the person


It's crazy how complicated relationships can be. I have a really complicated relationship, well non-relationship, with my dad. And although I've forgiven him for what he did do, the hard part is continuing to pray and maneuver through what is still happening now...

...like when I sit at a wedding and I see a father dancing with his daughter-she's so beautiful in her dress and he's smiling at her with tears welling up in his eyes, love overflowing for her -and I watch them as they whisper to each to other, laugh, and turn alone- together on the dance floor... and somewhere deep in my heart I forgive my dad for not choosing that....and then again even deeper still for not being capable of loving me the way I imagine a daughter should be loved....

Again...
and again
and again...
I forgive you daddy...

I have choices

Okay, so you know that classmate who was cusing- anyways him and I just had a great 10 min. discussion about beliefs. He believes that religion is just a means for powerful people to control people. I want to write about this because I have definitely heard this before and this is a real opinion for people.

Hmm...

How is believing in and following Christ controlling me?

   -Well that is hard to say, because it started out being a choice for me. I grew up agnostic and then made the choice to believe. No one made me. I am happy I was never forced or controlled into believing.

  -My classmate mentioned the ten commandments as laws that are used to control people. But my first thought is those are awesome laws to follow; I don't know any bad that comes from me not murdering. And I don't feel controlled, because I can choose to follow them or not. I am not forced to abided by them if I don't want to.

-I want to bring up the money thing as well, because I've heard the idea thrown around that religion is just a means to control people and get them to give you their money. I haven't been to a church that forces you to give. And if I did it would make me feel awkward, because from what the Word says is that God loves a cheerful giver. Which to me suggests that it's the givers choice whether to give or not. God desires me to give, because of how it affects my character for the better. I don't have to give my money if I don't want to. I can keep it all for myself or give it all away, my choice.

Alright well that's all I can think of for now...ya, I like choices, not control! I was given the choice to believe and follow or not. And right now if I wanted to I could walk away from Him, from my church community, from heaven, from any of it- but I am choosing not to.

To love a classmate

I just finished reading my friends' blog. In her "about me" section she mentions that her family is in the process of adopting a child and that they desire to bring glory to God  in their everyday lives. This friend and her family inspire me. They already have four children of their own and they have the grace to adopt one too! I love it! And it also got me thinking...

How can I bring glory to God in my everyday life?

I am sitting here in class at Cal State Fullerton listening to my instructor, while playing on the internet reading other people's blogs, and I am just as bored, quite, and tired as the rest of my classmates. Really the only tangible difference in this moment between me and the guy sitting next to me is a few unspoken cuss words (before class started he kept saying f*@# as he was describing this artist he loves).

How am I a "city on hill" sitting in class with my sweater zipped up and mouth pursed?
How am I "salt and light" to my classmates with my arms crossed and sighs escaping from me like the rest of them?

It's in these small moments that I really don't feel anymore saved then them. I am a new creation, but really? Where is the Spirit of God living in me in those moments? When I get up from my seat and rush out like I could care less to know any of them, am I totally leaving Him no room to work through me?

Jesus says that they will know us by how we love.









How do I love my classmates?

Lord, I feel like You've been teaching me how to love people in other areas in my life, will you teach me at school...

I guess I am immature

Sometimes I think I am mature
Then days like today happen.

So I have food allergies (wheat, soy, peanuts, and walnuts). This morning I go into work and was eating one of my "okay" snacks and a coworker felt pressed to tell me that I eat like her son, whom she proceeds to tell me is 14months old.
Hmm, not really sure how I was supposed to take that.

I try to pray it off and be the bigger person by ignoring it

That doesn't really work and so begins my unraveling for the day...

When another coworker comes up to me and tells me this amazing God story of how after he prayed on Sunday about money worries that on Tuesday a random person handed him a $1000 check because God told'em he needed it. What! Wow right?!

So sure I was smiling and happy for him, but on top of that happiness was a lot, a lot of jealousy.
I felt like a kid and my dad was playing favorites, even though God clearly does not play favorites

I just felt that way.

Which is immature

Then later another coworker comes up to me as I was ordering my lunch for the day and she looks at my long list of "no this" and "no that" and starts laughing and teasing me. I guess I had had enough because I literally in a slightly frazzled, slightly pissed tone said, "Stop making fun of me."

Whoa wait! Who freakin' says "Stop making fun of me!" Unless you are in 5th grade...again immature.

(sigh) God I am soooooo immature and today proved it...please help me be the woman you want me to be. Please help me be more mature and not be so dramatic, jeez.

A woman's wisdom gives her patience, she earns respect by overlooking wrongs. Proverbs 19:11