MOVING this BLOG!!!

I'm changing this blog to:

www.ifonlyfortoday.wordpress.com

come see!

Where are you God?

Tonight I was sitting on my sofa nursing Luke, my 2 1/2 week old baby boy, eating veggie soap my grandma made, sipping a gluten free beer (I know classy) and scanning through my Bible reading random verses. I came upon this one, "Anyone who wants to be my disciple must follow Me, because my servants must be where I am. And the Father will honor anyone who serves Me." John 12:26 and it prompted me to close my eyes and pray, " Lord, where are You? I want to follow you and be where You are. Will You show Jason and I in the midst of being consumed with baby and lack of sleep where You are-so that we can be there with You?"

I opened my eyes nonchalantly and got excited inside believing God would answer my prayer.

I finished nursing and started the usual burping routine. Luke spat up a bit and I cleaned his face off with the burp rag and stared into his cuteness. Precious, I thought and I thanked God for giving me this beautiful boy. I continued smiling down at my son's face and as my heart filled with gratefulness for my baby the Holy Spirit inside me spoke to me and said, "There I am."

Tears welled up in my eyes and the tinge of loneliness I felt before escaped my heart and I thanked God for being so close to this new mommy in the midst her baby-ness.

it's not about the money

For the past three days I've asked God each morning, "Lord, who can I bless today? Who can I sacrifice for?" 

The first morning after asking God that I was reminded of how I wanted to drop off flowers at my friends' office, letting her know I am thankful for her friendship.

The second day God put a friend on my heart who is moving to Peru with her husband and four kids to work for Krochet Kids a nonprofit that teaches impoverished women how to make hats to sell in the US. In order for my friend and her family to go they need to raise money to support themselves while down there. God put a certain amount of money on my heart for Jason and I to give to them. Now the amount is nothing big compared to what my friend is going to need to be able to move to Peru, but what is exciting is that God will put my friends' family on other peoples hearts and people will donate what they can and it will be neat to see God's faithfulness as her family prepares to move.

So now this morning I was laying in bed half asleep and asked God, "Who should I bless today?" And right away I heard in my head, "Kristin."

So I asked how.

And I heard, "Give her $100."

Now Kristin, who is my sister, just won $50,000 on a TV game show along with my other sister (granted they are still waiting to receive their winnings, but still $100 is chump change compared to that).

So I went back and forth with God for a couple of minutes and then fell back asleep.

When I woke up again and went to go pray I still felt it impressed upon my heart to give my sister this $100. But I was like, "Lord, she just won $50,000, she does not need my $100. I don't want to seem like a crazy lady just passing out money to everybody. So if you really want me to give her $100, when I call her this morning would you confirm it by what she tells me over the phone?" I got the impression from Him that it wasn't the money that mattered and that I should just give it to her. I still wanted confirmation that I was supposed to give her the money. So I called my sister hoping she'd answer the phone in tears desperate for $100.

When I got a hold of her we chatted for a second about how much we miss each other and then out of no where she said, "I had a dream about you last night and you gave me a big gift."

WHAT!! Immediately I started laughing out loud, cause without even having to ask Kristin if she needed the $100, I felt like God was confirming that I was supposed to give her this gift.

Now Kristin and I realize we can't claim to know God's thought process in all this, but we had a great talk wondering why He did this. Maybe He longs to continue to speak to my sister in her dreams, maybe He wants her to do something specific with the $100, or maybe He wanted to show my sister He thinks about her and longs to bless her...

Where was He on September 11th?

You say you will never forget where you were when
you heard the news On September 11, 2001.
Neither will I.

I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room
with a man who called his wife to say 'Good-Bye.' I
held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the
peace to say, 'Honey, I am not going to make it, but it
is OK..I am ready to go.'

I was with his wife when he called as she fed
breakfast to their children. I held her up as she
tried to understand his words and as she realized
he wasn't coming home that night.

I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a
woman cried out to Me for help. 'I have been
knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!' I said.
'Of course I will show you the way home - only
believe in Me now.'

I was at the base of the building with the Priest
ministering to the injured and devastated souls.
I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He
heard my voice and answered.

I was on all four of those planes, in every seat,
with every prayer. I was with the crew as they
were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the
believers there, comforting and assuring them that their
faith has saved them.

I was in Texas , Virginia , California , Michigan , Afghanistan .
I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news.
Did you sense Me?

I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew
every name - though not all knew Me. Some met Me
for the first time on the 86th floor.

Some sought Me with their last breath.
Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the
smoke and flames; 'Come to Me... this way... take
my hand.' Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me.
But, I was there.

I did not place you in the Tower that day. You
may not know why, but I do. However, if you were
there in that explosive moment in time, would you have
reached for Me?

Sept. 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey
for you. But someday your journey will end. And I
will be there for you as well. Seek Me now while I may
be found. Then, at any moment, you know you are
'ready to go.'

I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.

God

(written by anonymous author)

pretty strangers

In my church community I'm part of the leadership team and just recently I've been given the opportunity to walk in the role of community pastor. I think my sister said it perfectly when she said, "Wow, Kimi five years ago you were agnostic and now you're a pastor!" It's crazy to me too and awesome that God can change someone so drastically. He has a plan and purpose for our lives that sometimes we'd never dream of. I know I NEVER grew up wanting to be a pastor. funny.

Anyways, five weeks ago I was praying for our church community and asked God what He would want as far as a prayer gathering for His people at Rock Harbor south county.  I heard, "Pray every other night for the next five weeks."

"WHAT! Where would we do that Lord?"

"Here."

I was praying on my couch so I figured He meant at me and Jason's house.

I sat and thought about it and realized that five weeks made total sense it was exactly how much time I had left on bed-rest for my pregnancy. So I would be home every other night for the next five weeks and I figured what else would I be doing. Praying is never a bad way to spend my time. Even though I was thinking praying in groups can get really boring I still thought how much I long for moments when God reveals Himself and that these prayer gatherings could be time to allow Him to guide our prayers- to see what He might say or show us.

So five weeks ago we announced it to our church community and Jason and I started opening up our home every other night for people to come over and sit and wait in God's presence-asking Him to guide our prayers. For five weeks God has been faithful and we've had a group of people show up every other night. People we know and people we don't. There have been nights when I'm amped people are coming over to pray and other nights when I'm like, "Do we have too? I feel so tired and out of it."

Last night was one of those nights. I was feeling pretty angry about something that had happened earlier and I had a real attitude going on in my heart.

So when one of our regular prayer night attendees brought two friends with her- two friends who were pretty, full of life, and you could just tell loooved Jesus. What did I do?

Yep-got jealous.

So great...angry and jealous-awesome way to start off a prayer gathering at my house-good one Kim.

As soon as we started praying and waiting in the Lord's presence. I got soooo uncomfortable. All that anger and jealousy in my heart was making it very awkward for me. Then one of the pretty, full of life girls said she saw a picture of a tree with deep roots, but she saw some of the roots were disconnected. And then she prayed, "Lord if there is any root of bitterness or lack of forgiveness in those of us sitting here would You heal that?"

And in my head I was like, "Ooh, she is talking to me. I'm super bitter right now about what happened today and I have obviously not forgiven that person who hurt me." I knew I had to confess and say that I forgive that person. So I did-without saying names.

 Man, it felt SO good to say it out loud. Immediately tears started streaming down my face and I felt my heart soften and melt. What was moments before a rock in my chest was now a heart more open and ready to think about better things, than the pity party I was throwing before. God was healing my heart.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." 

James 5:16

Little did I know that God had more healing in mind. Later on as we were praying Jason asked God if there was anything else He wanted us to prayer about.

And then my heart started racing as I thought about how jealous I was of those pretty strangers sitting next to me and God impressed it so strongly on my heart that I knew I couldn't end the night without also confessing that I was so jealous of them.

I took a deep breath, and said, "Guh... this is embarrassing Lord, but I feel compelled to confess. I'm really jealous of, blah blah and blah blah. They came in here and seemed so capable of praying and I saw their love forYou and I confess God I was jealous of it. Your word says that we have not because we do not ask God. So Lord I ask You, I want an intimate and deep relationship with You and I want You to teach me how to pray, like You've taught these two girls..... Huuuhhhh, thank you God for healing me as I confess."

It was silent.

And yet I felt SO much freedom and peace in my soul. There was all of sudden a sense of authenticity in the room and no tension between us anymore.

And then one of the pretty strangers started praying with such a passion and love for me only God could give her and then the other one did too! I was blown away that in the midst of my fleshy and worldly attitudes God used these two strangers to bless me and fill me with soooo much encouragement, as they prayed for the purposes God has for me, for Jason and I, and for our future son.

Gosh I needed- my heart needed- last night so badly...thank you God....

Through us...

So even though the story I share below happened two years ago, I still feel inspired to post it. I just listened to a pastor online talk about how God is seeking to heal and comfort people and that He does it through us. I want God to keep loving people through me....

Sept 25, 2008

So I walk into church service with Jason at 7pm. We find seats in front of this girl sitting by herself, wearing a cozy sweater, and inside my head I hear God say, “Notice her.”

So I did and I thought, “Hmm, wonder what this is about?”

Then after announcements the pastor had us turn to someone next to us and say hello. I specifically turned around and said hello to just her. We both looked at each other with a specificness only God could conjure. I knew something was up.

During the sermon I asked God, “Okay, what about her Lord? What do you want me to do?”

And He was like, “I want you to talk to her.”

“Okkkkaaay how? I don’t even know her. The pastor is speaking right now, than after that is worship, then we will both get up and leave. How will I have time to squeeze in something before she looks at me weird and takes off?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.”

“Okay, I’ll trust You and be obedient,” but even still the thought came to my mind, “Hmm, maybe I should just pretend I know her from somewhere, just to get the ball rolling.”

But God is way cooler than that because right after the service was over, as I was bending down to pick up my purse off the floor, He nudged me to look at her face on my way up. As I did she was standing there staring straight at me with tears in her eyes and without hesitation said, “Would you pray for me?”

I quickly said "Yes," and told her to come to the back wall with me by the crosses. I asked her if kneeling down was okay and what I could pray for?

She looked at me crying and said, “I’m lost. I don’t know.... I’m just lost.”

So I quickly quieted myself and asked God to help me pray for her. As I prayed she sat sobbing in my arms. So open and needy for God-for His love.

After we finished praying she said that she had just left her church and that she doesn’t usually go to Rock Harbor church services. She was really upset about church stuff. Then I told her what God had said to me in my seat while I was worshiping.

Then she said, “Wow, God told me, 'Ask the girl sitting in front of you to pray for you.' And I told Him, 'Well, aren’t there people in the back with prayer tags on who can pray for me?'  He said, 'No, ask the girl in front of you.'  'But she’s worshiping and I don’t want to bug her.' Again He told me, 'Ask her.'”

We both sat there in the back of the church amazed by God and how He had spoken to both of us.

Then we both stood up slowly, said some awkward goodbyes, and shuffled out of the church service with everybody else.

I never saw that girl again.

But that night God blew me away with His ability to use two strangers to comfort one and increase the faith of both.

Where is the "off switch" in my brain?

As each day draws closer to my newborn sons' arrival I'm finding the hundreds of things to think about as a new mom are turning into hundreds of things to worry about as a new mom, especially lying in bed at night.

Last night my mind was racing. I almost couldn't believe that a person's brain could literally jump from topic to topic in a matter of seconds- each previous thought triggering the next...

"Did I register for the right things? What am I forgetting? Oh, I need to pack my hospital bag! Gosh, I'm scared to give birth, I don't want it to hurt. I don't want to be embarrassed or feel like a wimp if I can't handle the pain. How is it going to go down? There is so many ways the birth could happen, I don't want a c-section. Gosh if I have a  c-section how long will I have to recover? Will I have enough help or will I just feel completely overwhelmed with baby. I need to make sure I can have dinner ready for hubby when he gets home from work everyday. I don't want to be a bad wife. I don't want to be a bad mom.  I don't want Luke to get sick, but he is a kid and he will get sick. uh, autism, so many boys get it. I'm nervous. i hope we get along with our pediatrician. I heard you need to stay out of public places for awhile until the baby is a little older and his immune system is stronger. How am I going to go to the store or Target or church? i need to talk to my doctor. "

Finally in an exasperated whisper I was like, "Enough, geez! Lord, help me fall asleep. Will you help me turn my brain off? I am so nervous and worried about way too many things."

I was reminded, "Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:34 and "...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5

I was like, "Yes, good-do not worry about tomorrow." and then, "Tomorrow hmm, I think I can pack my hospital bag tomorrow. Who is coming to visit with me tomorrow? I hope I feel awake tomorrow, cause my head really hurts now and I think it's cause I didn't have caffeine today. Well, I'll have my coffee tomorrow and feel better. Dang, I need to call a bunch of people back tomorrow, I couldn't today cause my headache. I hope I have energy to call them.... "

With each thought I start getting sleepier and sleepier and slowly fade into sleep. Thank God. But dang if I'm going to catch my thoughts and make them obedient to Christ I need to realize how quick they run off and grab-em before they do.

her and Him...

Looking at the different women in my life I am continually amazed at how God grows each of them. As they discover Him, His ways, His voice. I watch this person-this woman in His presence and ways really live and come alive before my eyes. 

I see peace fill up inside her.

I see her noble and exciting purposes revealed.

I see her marvel at the love He has for her and the intimacy that comes from being lead by Him and hearing His voice.

I see the humility in her tears as she realizes how powerful, good, perfect and gentle He is.

I hear her confess to Him and then watch as He restores her and helps her stand up again to keep running the race, advancing His kingdom-bringing light into darkness.

I see a beautiful, unique, expression through her of God's grace.

Lord, I praise you for the work I've seen You do in the hearts, souls, and circumstances of these woman I'm so privileged to know.

Would you continue to bring those who feel dead inside into the life You promised them...

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus) have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." 

John 10:10

 "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow." 1 Corinthians 3:6-7

"Then I passed by and saw you kicking about in your blood and as you lay there in your blood I said to you,"Live!"  
I [the Lord] made you grow like a plant of the field. You grew up and developed and became the most beautiful of jewels." 
Ezekiel 16:6-7

Seeking you...

"We will never find God unless He first seeks us, but we should remember that He can do so in very different ways. 

Sometimes, God jumps on us dramatically... and we have a sharp sense of His love. 

Sometimes He quietly and patiently argues with us even though we continue to turn away. 

How can you tell if He is working on you now? If you begin to sense your lostness and find yourself wanting to escape it, you should realize that that desire is not something you could have generated on your own. Such a process requires Help, and if it is happening it is a good indication that He is even now at your side. " 

-Timothy Keller

weight of temptation

Restless.
Ungrateful.
Wanting.
Alone.

And then it started. The slippery slope of thoughts that lead to sin. "Well it's not as bad as what other people do." I won't do it again." "No one will have to know." "I totally need this right now." "Nothing else sounds good enough." "Just once." "It'll be fine."

I sat there at my computer. It wasn't even late, but it was quiet in the house. And my selfish thoughts were so convicting it was as though there was another person in the room convincing me I deserved a "good time." The thoughts came so quickly and fast I could feel the pressure of them. I was being tempted and under their weight I had two options: To do what I wanted which was to say, "Yes," or to beg God to help me say, "No."

I stared at the computer screen, my thoughts racing...

and I bowed my head, "God, help me right now. You're going to have to help me. I need your power right now to say no to everything I want in this moment."

I looked up at the computer screen again and I could feel myself justify my desires and overpower any ounce of desire to be the woman God has called me to be.

I bowed my head again, "Lord, please fill me with your Holy Spirit right now, that I would walk in goodness and in light. Not in darkness. God help me be the woman you've called me to be." 

In that moment two random thoughts filled my head, "Go watch So You Think you can Dance to get away from the computer," and "Tell someone."

The weight of my desires lifted long enough to get out of my computer chair and walk out of the room. I went out into my living room. Thought about waking up Jason to tell him, but decided against it and thought my best friend would be a better place to start. I texted her exactly what I had been tempted to do and turned on So You Think You Can Dance.

A minute later my phone rang. My best friend was on the other end. Without a question or a need for me to explain, she started reminding me of all the ways God has filled my life with blessings and satisfaction. That the enemy would love more than anything for me to chose sin selfishly without regard for the ripple effect it would have on me, my husband, my future children and what God has called me to do. 

She said while I was sitting at the computer heavy in my selfish desires it was as though Satan were standing behind me telling me how great it would all be, how fun, how much I deserved it. And Jesus was standing there too. Waiting for me to chose Him, waiting for me to die to myself and say no to Satan. Without words standing there with love and grace in His eyes for me... as He let me decide.

As she said these things my heart broke and tears streamed down my face.

I couldn't imagine pushing Jesus aside to say yes Satan, yes to the enemy.

As my best friend continued to speak truth into me I realized the power that's in reaching out and getting encouragement from others in the midst of my temptations and struggles. I can't fight alone. I can't.

"See to it brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:12-13

thank you...

Lord, this bed-rest feels like a precious gift. I beg You and beg You and beg You that the time would not be gobbled up or taken. That I wouldn't waste it. But that I would be still enough to hear Your voice, to follow Your lead, to let You me guide these next four months. There is so much passion and desire in me that just wants to dump out at your feet-You are awesome.

I'm afraid I'll get distracted from You during this time-in Your precious name would You protect me from distractions. Would You set off the alarm in my heart when I am wandering. I want to grow up in You more, I want to be drawn into Your glory and be left in awe time and time again. I want You to show up in my life and that people would be amazed at who You are.

God in the name of Jesus would you reveal yourself through my life. 

I ask you to increase my faith. 

Who has quirks? Me!

I love Beth Moore's honest, super fun, loud, and scripturally based teaching. This is one of my favorite teachings of hers on friendship:

listen to Beth Moore teach about friendship

I was also reading her blog and she did this fun thing were she wrote down 10 quirks that made her unique (or weird) :)

She writes, "What are 10 things – right off the top of your head – that we would only know about you if we knew you really well? 10 random things ranging anywhere on your personal map that make you a tad distinctive? Or just plain weird? Think quickly. Don’t go for deep. Go for quirky. Don’t try to put them in any kind of order and don’t make them long. Just start typing. "

*Post random things about you in a comment*

Here are 10 random things about me (Kimi)

1. I hate my pillows touching the ground

2. I love sour cream in my bean burritos

3. I wear acrylic nails, because otherwise my finger nails would be chewed off

4. I freakin love pug dogs, boxers, and french bulldogs

5. Shopping at the mall overwhlems me

6. I don't like the 4th of July, it has become repetitive

7. Car accidents are one of my biggest fears

8. Coffee is the first thing I want in the morning

9. It's hard for me to read fiction books, I prefer non

10. I consider cleaning and reorganzing hobbies

*What are you top ten? Post random things about you in your comment*

I'm beyond done, I'm burnt

I'm overwhelmed with the amount of responsiblity I have on my plate right now.

I'm: in school full time, on the leadership team within my church community, a host and leader of a weekly community gathering out of our home, interning, graduating from college in 3 weeks, pregnant, a wife, a community pastor and working part time.

All of this spills over and makes seemingly simple tasks like going to Target, getting ready, exercising, cooking dinner, or getting coffee with a friend seem beyond my limit of what I can physically do.

Now, I'm very well aware of the fact that I put myself in many of the responsiblities  And some of them I know God has called me too, but I just can't imagine that He'd want me to be this frazzled right now.

I'm also well aware of the fact that this has been a life pattern for me. I'm either doing too little and bored out of my mind or doing too much and telling everyone how busy and stressed out I am. I have no sense of, "K, this is good enough and I need to say no to everything else." you'd think I'd learn the lesson.

I have got to get a grip on this before my baby comes or life will be real fun-gosh.

Some of my anxious prayers I journaled this morning...

April 26, 2010

Jesus, I’m beyond overwhelmed. I have a bunch of things I want to do, need to do, and have to do. I can’t keep them all straight. I feel like I’m falling apart today. I feel so DONE.

Your word says to cast all my anxiety onto You, because you care about me (1 Peter 5:7).

So, what is making me anxious:

1. Mon, Tues, and Wed seem insurmountable to me. Each day is jammed packed with no time to nap, be in Your presence, or grocery shop for much needed food. I am physically, emotionally exhausted because my jammed packed schedule has been this way for weeks and these next few days seem awful. It’s Monday and I don’t have any downtime till Thursday. guh...Would You  teach me how to manage this stuff, give me grace to change some things, or grace to deal with them if I can’t change them. I can’t stand facing these problems the same way I always have.


2. Group Project for school- I need energy and time to send out a group email, then go to the library and research Mother Theresa and then write a speech. I just don’t have time. Lord would you help me create time to do this and get good enough grades to get into grad school

3. Finding and getting a counselor who I can afford, works with my schedule, is a Christian, who does EFT. Lord would you help me find a counselor who will lead me closer to You and who will work with those specifications?

4. Exercising: I have barely exercised these last 3 months. I am getting more cellulite and that makes me feel gross, frustrated, and scared. Lord will you help me find time to exercise and take care of my physical body.

5. Hanging out with family and friends. I feel like I will let people down or hurt them if I can’t see them, because I’m too tired, busy with school, volunteering, work, homework, internship, birthday parties, and meetings. Lord would you help learn how to say no gracefully and remind me that people understand.

6. Developing my gifts. Lord I desperately want to be used by you in powerful ways, but I feel like I’m being worn out and pushed to the limit. I have no time or space to seek you. Lord would you rebuke the enemy from trying to discourage me or make me think I’ve got to do everything else, but spend time with you.

7. Missional Community gathering: This whole thing is an after-thought for me, and that is frustrating. I feel like a bad host, ill prepared to lead our team, and I usually enter the night with a sour attitude. I barely scrape by through Monday and Tuesday to sweep into this Wednesday night gathering feeling like I’ve got nothing to give. God you've been so faithful through the whole process. Would you continue to help us get everything organized for the event-would u give each of us energy to do our assigned tasks? And I desperately need your grace to have a joyful attitude about it rather than a complaining frustrated one. Especially since I’m sticking through this and keeping my word to the team.

8. I just feel bad today. I feel down on myself. Like I’m failing at everything. I look like crap, the house is a disaster, I’m not contributing anything of quality to the leadership team, I’m missing out on quality time with my family and friends, I can’t keep my emotions or attitude in check, I have so many ideas, but no time for follow through, I cook like two nights a week, and don’t have time to shop for anything. I feel uncomfortable in my ever changing body and all my clothes don’t fit. I keep forgetting to complete assignments in my classes-I’ve already forgotten a midterm, a paper, and a quiz.
Father, would you help me see all these things through Your eyes?
Life with children will only get more hectic and crazy.
I feel like I’m going to be such a bad mom.
How am I going to do it?
I need your wisdom so badly.
Please help me deal with this...cause I'm burnt...out.

forgiveness & apple pie

My friend called the other day upset. She knew her boyfriend had struggled with porn in the past, and thought he was getting over it. But then he stumbled again.

She told me that when she got off work that night she was going to have her boyfriend over to tell him they should take a break. Even though after confessing to her and telling her again and again how sorry he was and how he knew what he did was wrong and it made him sick to know he was hurting her-the pain, confusion, and frustration my friend felt was palpable over the phone. Although his apology was sincere she questioned why he was still struggling when he says he loves her and God so much.

She asked me if I thought  they should take a break?

Hmm now, I've known this couple for awhile and the fruit in their relationship far outweighs the stumbling blocks they have come across in the last few years, so I told her no and then asked her,"You know that verse in the Bible that says, 'Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.'?" Romans 12:21.

She said, "Yeah."

"Well, what would it look like instead of getting angry at him, telling him all he's done wrong, and that you want a break, if after work you picked up one of his favorite things to eat and told him that you forgive him and that you love him?"

And it was as though within a sentence Jesus came in and sucked all the anger from my friend's heart and with excitement and compassion in her voice she said,  "Yes, yes I would love to do that. I already know exactly what I can bring him. Oh Kimi, now I'm so excited to see him."

I hung up the phone so grateful for His Word and really hopeful for how my friend's night would go. It wasn't until after a few days later when her and I got to catch up that I was astounded at the grace Jesus gave this 22-year-old friend of mine to forgive the man she loves.

This is what happened when she got off work to meet up with him.

My friend knew her boyfriend loves apple pie so after work that night she stopped at Marie Calander's, but it was late and already closed-so she ran over to the grocery store and picked up a frozen Claim Jumper pie instead.When she got home she sprinkled graham cracker crust on it and put it in the oven. Her boyfriend was on his way over and she was excited to see him.

Expecting to get dumped for what he had done her boyfriend walked into the house, smelled the apple pie,  and saw her standing there grinning.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"I'm baking you an apple pie," she said as she walked over to the kitchen him following her.

Stopping in front of the warm oven and in utter confusion he asked, "What? Why?"

And with love and confidence she repiled, "Because I want you to know I forgive you and I love you."

He stood there in front of the oven, his girlfriend who just this afternoon was crying and angry with him on the phone was now giving him love he didn't deserve. His jaw dropped, he reached out, grabbed her around the waist, and held her tight, "I don't deserve you. You truly are a gift from God."

Her voice gentle and passionate she went on to tell him all the ways she's seen him grow over the last year and told him how proud she was of him.

He continued to be amazed at her love for him.

The rest of the night they ended up talking, reading scripture and praying together.

As her and I sat there in the coffee shop catching up I was in tears at the absolute power of forgiveness. Things could have turned out far different for the both of them that night, but with God's grace, a few words, and an apple pie- what evil meant to destroy, God used for good.

May we continue to stop evil in it's tracks as we offer love and forgiveness to each other. Amen.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; 

I (Jesus) have come that you may have life and have it to the full. John 10:10

"If anyone has caused [you] grief...the punishment inflicted on him by the majoritiy is sufficient for him. How instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore to reaffirm your love for him." 2 Corinthians 2:5-8

Testing of my heart at Walmart

I am distrubed by the fact I don't have to go far to be made aware of my heart attitudes toward the poor, marginalized, disabled and outcast. I don't have to take a missions trip to Mexico or visit a hospital, but give me thirty minutes on my lunch break to show me how far I am from the heart of God.

I had to pick up toliet paper today and I work right next to a Walmart (Target is further down the street), so in order to save time on my precious break I decide to go to Walmart, even though I can't stand the place.

And the reason why leads me to a confession and a begging of God to change me.

The minute I walk into that place I feel dirty, out of place, and irritated. I'm surrounded by people who are different from me and it freaks me out.

Different mindsets, different colors, different shapes, different languages, different ages, different status, different clothes, different smells, different cultures. 

I'm writing this and my heart is slowly breaking as I realize what my pride is stealing from me. It is stealing the truth. The truth that God loves these people. They are made in His image. He desires each one of them to spend eternity with Him and to restore them as equally as He has and is restoring me.

Oh, Jesus please forgive me. Right now I confess I think I am better than some of your children. I am sorry Lord and I know it is not right-I need your help to change-I want to change.

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

He set my feet on solid ground

By the time I was twenty three years old I'd been raped, pregnant with an abortion, sexually assaulted, physically abused, and told I had a STD; all with different guys.

The stabbing pain of those memories, the dark moments I couldn’t escape, the path my life was taking-I was being destroyed. The weight of it was too heavy for me. I couldn’t see myself right and I felt like no one understood. I didn’t know what to do with all the feelings I had. I just wanted someone to say it was all going to be okay. I wanted to feel protected. But I wasn’t. I was alone.

One night I was lying in my bed balling my eyes out and I cried out loud, "Help me, please somebody help me." I didn't believe in God so I have no idea who I thought would hear me.

But He did.

Three months later I was invited to a church gathering and I said, "No, church freaks me out." Again I was invited and I thought, “Well, I can check it out. It won't hurt.”

That night I heard a clear and concise message about Jesus. I heard a message that said He wanted to love me despite what I had been through or how broken I felt. That He wanted to know me and walk me through all I had experienced. All that had left me confused, pissed off, and really sad.

I sat in that church gathering with tears streaming down my face. Was this Jesus for real?

It has been 4 years since I’ve accepted Christ into my heart.

Jesus has completely flipped my life upside down. From the wisdom He gives me when I simply ask, the blessings He pours out because He’s that good, His powerful life changing Word, to the purpose He’s given me, I am reminded again and again I am not alone.

God is faithful and He wants to continue to do this in others lives.

I pray I am used as a tool for this purpose, for His purpose.

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
      and he turned to me and heard my cry.
 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
      out of the mud and the mire.
   He set my feet on solid ground
      and steadied me as I walked along.
  He has given me a new song to sing,
      a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40

You.

I heard a speaker today that inspired this blog post...

So, I (Kimi) used to believe that people followed a religion to feel supported or a part of something. That they belonged to a religion, because they needed a crutch or wanted to feel comfortable.

But now I see differently

If I have a choice about what religion to be a part of why would I chose to follow Christ just to belong to a group or to feel comfortable. If those were the only reasons for me to "join a religion" then there are way easier religious options out there to chose from. 

This is what the speaker was talking about. He was saying stuff like: There are religions who believe that I could end up being my own god and have my own planet (in my selfishness that sounds freakin sweet!) Or religions that say I could be reincarnated into something better than what I am right now, maybe a superstar or royalty-that my soul is immortal-no reason for heaven or hell.

 But I don't chose to follow Christ everyday to just be part of a group or to be comfortable, because sometimes it's not comfortable at all. If I wanted comfortablity I could have chosen one of the many other religions, but I choose to follow Christ because of His compelling character.

I look up to Him in so many ways.

The depth of His love for people- all people- still blows my mind.

The gentle yet powerful way He works in peoples' lives that brings awe & wonder only He can.

How He speaks and moves- I can't help but notice.

His wisdom and insight that guide my steps.

And His deep healing love-I can't get enough of.

Jesus, you are it.

you. are. it.

When I didn't love Jesus

Jesus, I remember when I didn't know You. People who knew you told me that they loved you, worshiped you and had a relationship with You. I really had no idea what that looked like.

I remember when I was just discovering You and I was in San Francisco lying in bed one night and literally told you that I wasn't even sure of the reasons why I should love you-that I didn't get You, and that I definitely didn't feel close enough to you to love You.

Jesus, it's been over four years since then and Lord it's been incredible to read how the Bible describes you and to watch those words about you come to life as You reveal your characteristics to me day after day.

You are faithful. You care. You are my wonderful counselor. You won't leave me. You teach me what is good. You show me what is right. You are so deep, so loving, so full of life. You get me. You have perfect timing. I love and need Your wisdom. Your passion and goodness I want.You are humble, and patient. I admire and long to have your priorities.To think that you lived to end up suffering, hanging, bleeding in agony, alone on a cross, so that you could restore everything, including me....Jesus, you took me- a girl who didn't get it-cared for me, and showed me You are lovable.

Lord, would you help other girls too? Other girls, who are just like I was, would you show them how much you love them? Would You help them get it?

Waiting...without yelling

I've been an angry girl lately-pit in your stomach, wanting to punch a pillow, scream at someone angry.

I realized this morning, during prayer as I wrote out everything that was pissing me off, is that it all has to do with me wanting something, or something to be different and I am helpless to change it or get it. And instead of asking God or hoping in God or waiting patiently on God. I've been yelling, crying, asking my hubby or more like demanding my hubby to change things for me.

And God kindly reminded me this morning that I've got it all backwards.

I need to seek first His kingdom which is righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.
And yelling doesn't = righteousness, and crying=no peace.  And what makes me think demanding something from someone else is gonna get me anywhere when His word plainly says, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from the desires that battle within you? You want something, but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God." James 4:1-3

Now I'm not strangling anyone (yet), but I've seen in the last month how my anger has done it's own fair share of killing. And I'm done. I am sick of being angry. God, I am asking you for what I want and waiting for your help. Patiently.

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him;...refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret, it leads only to evil. For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land."

Psalm 37:7-9

Let it begin...

A month ago, worshipping God in my office, door closed, I got down on one knee to bow and I saw a picture. A picture of Jesus on His throne with His hand reaching out to me-there was something in it. So I reached out my hand to His and He put what was in His hand in mine. 

I turned over my hand and saw a gold coin.

And a voice within me said,  "I'm about to give you more."

Now if any of you know me- before I started following Jesus I was desperate to be rich. I honestly wanted nothing more than to have lots of money. So now becoming a believer God is working on my heart to let that love of money go. BUT guess what the first thing my lame heart thought when I heard, "I'm about to give you more." Yeah I thought He was going to give me more money and I was like, "Whoo who." And like an arrow through my heart I was instantly humbled in front of Him, and the tears flowed from my eyes as I whispered sorry for being so money hungry.

And in His quickness to forgive without skipping a beat I heard the voice say, " Do you remember the parable of the talents?" And I was like, "Um, yeah sorta, but I don't have it memorized." So I flipped to the index in my Bible and found the parable of the talents in Matthew 25: 14

And I sat in my office and read...

 "[The kingdom of heaven], it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.


"After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.'


"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'


"The man with the two talents also came. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.'


"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!' 

As I finished reading this verse, I said out loud, "God, I am so excited to receive more from You!"

And right back He said, "It won't come without suffering though."

"Oh gosh," I thought freaking out....and then He encouraged me with these verses....

"During the days of Jesus' life on earth, He offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save Him from death, and He was heard because of His reverent submission. Although He was a son, He learned obedience from what He suffered and, once made perfect, He became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey Him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek." Hebrews 5:7-10

"Because He Himself suffered when He was tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted." Hebrews 2:18

and so the suffering begins...